Bad Person

Why I'm a bad person:

I yelled at my kid's multiple times to "get going!" this morning. They were playing so sweetly together but I was running late.

I rolled my eyes at the very Berkeley bumper sticker on the car parked in front of me. It read "If you live in your heart you would already be home." Lovely right?

I gave a Peet's Barista the evil eye as I stood in line impatiently waiting to place my order. He was chatting up a pretty young customer and I was in a hurry.

I have already made the decision to take the boys to Subway for dinner tonight, abandoning a refrigerator full of healthy food. I am just to tired to cook.

I felt sad when my son informed his preschool teacher cheerfully that he would have to miss the all school Shabbat celebration because he was going to Florida with his dad. I felt so badly that I went to my car to cry.

I'm not going to Florida with my family this year. I made the decision to stay home instead, and now I am full of regret. I feel selfish and already lonely, anticipating a week of solitude. Why did I decide not to join my boys on vacation? Because I thought it would be too exhausting. In my delicate condition I didn't think that I could take the hassle of the long flight with two kids, the time difference and the sleepless nights that would result. It just seemed like too much work to be a holiday. Now that I am working I have precious little vacation time and in order to take this trip I would burn two whole days in travel alone. Unpleasant travel. It just didn't seem worth it.

But now when I see the look of excitement on Zachary's face as he talks about swimming in the pool and collecting shells on the beach I am having second thoughts. My kids will be going on a vacation without their mother. Creating memories that will not include me. It hurts.

At first I thought I would relish the time to myself. Evenings with nothing to do but watch Bravo and eat Popsicles. No dinner to fuss with, no lunches to pack no fights to negotiate, no bed time routine. But as the trip grows closer I find myself dreading the empty nights and missing my little boys.

I'm a bad person. I should have agreed to go on the trip. I was being selfish and lazy when I made this decision. But now it seems too late to change my mind. I have a job and upcoming maternity leave to think about, and honestly I feel an obligation to stay.

I know if I went I would probably be irritable and resentful, wishing for a nap at 2:00 in the afternoon, but stuck on a hot beach in an over sized maternity swimsuit hours away from my in laws home. Id probably be a bitch.

Then again, maybe I already am. At least I'm still smiling!