The Setting: A Marriott Hotel in Colorado Springs, Labor Day weekend
A Young (40-something) Mother (ravishing of course) traveling with her little *princes* ages 9, 7 and 4
The College Student/Server, waiting tables at the Marriot's full service restaurant
"Loraine", retired hotel guest from New Jersey who never leaves the pool
"Suzy Q" 5 year old hotel guest
Scene One: At The Pool
Young (Ravishing) Mother:
Okay. 45 minutes. I can do this. 45 minutes and the kids will be worn out properly. I will then feel no guilt for allowing them to binge watch the Cartoon Network while I nap. It's been a long ass day. I took them to the zoo, we stayed for four hours. FOUR HOURS. Honestly, I should win mother of the year for that shit. FOUR HOURS pushing my lazy four year old uphill (both ways!) in a stroller while listening to the seven year old beg endlessly for ice cream, juice, soda, cotton candy and souvenir pennies (for the love of God why with the pennies?) Deep breath. Okay. Here we go in the water! Isn't this fun? I'm not cold. I am not cold. I am not cold. Why the hell is the water so cold? Where is the 85 degree sunshine day I fantasized about? Maybe 20 minutes is enough. Oh but look at that smile. Oh you really are having a good time aren't you? That four year old smile. May I never forget it. Yes. I'll let you cannon ball into my arms again my darling sweet baby.
Oh no. Here come the brats. It was so peaceful two minutes ago. My pina colada would be better with fresh coconut. They always use the cheap mixes at these places. This is nothing like Hawaii. They really should have a children's pool. Why don't they have a children's pool? Well that is just rude! I am sitting right here. Do you not see me? Jumping into the water like you are the only one here? Now I bet I have chlorine in my drink! If I wanted to be wet, I would have gotten in the water, but instead I am sitting on the side of the pool...for a reason. Oh great. No I don't want your kid to apologize to me. Oh it is so clear he didn't mean it lady. No. No, it's fine. Really. It's fine. Ha, ha, yes kids.... yes I see you have three on your own, but guess what... that's not my fault!!!
Kids! Kids! Kids! I wish they weren't boys! Kids! Kids! Hey do you have Doritos? No fair! My mom packed carrot sticks. You want to play? Knock Knock!! (you say whose there?) Interrupting Cow. (you say interrupting cow who?) MOOOO! Hey can I have a Dorito? Is that your brother. I have a brother actually I have three brothers, no two. Actually one and a sister and a cat. Your mom is sooo pretty (editors note, we are just assuming she thought that, duh.) Why is that mean lady staring at us?
Four Year Old Boy:
This is the best day in the world! I saw a hippo poop in the water, and I got Doritos. Now it's pool time! Yay!!! I hope my mom will let me jump into her arms exactly one million and seventy two hundred times! Oh no. It's a girl. And she wants my Doritos!
Scene Two: Dinner At The Hotel Restaurant:
The College Student/Server:
No, no no! Not my section again. Oh great. Yesterday I had the family of 8 who spilled five glasses of chocolate milk, split three meals and left a disaster of saltine crackers and a $4 tip. Okay. Smile. Game time! You want a bottle of wine for yourself? Um okay. Did she not feed those kids today? They just ate an entire basket of bread while I was taking the drink order? Wow. Wait where did the mom go? She seems to be gone every two minutes with another kid. Why doesn't she coordinate their bathroom trips, duh? Why didn't they just go to McDonald's?
Nine Year Old Boy:
I'm dying. I am going to starve to death. Oh my God nobody cares that I am dying of hunger. The Children's menu, really? Fine! I will order the kid's hamburger but MAKE SURE YOU PUT LETTUCE, TOMATO AND PICKLES ON IT. I am not a baby! This is taking forever. I am seriously going to die a slow painful death of starvation. Why didn't we just go to McDonald's?
Seven Year Old Boy:
I hate this place they have nothing that I like. No! I do not like pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken tenders, nachos or mac & cheese. No, no, no! Gross Gross Grossy-Gross. Fine. I'll get the pizza but ONLY if you let me order chocolate milk too. And dessert. The cotton candy at the zoo was not dessert, it was a snack! I want an ice cream sundae from McDonald's!
Not that family again. Good lord. What is that (*ravishing*) woman thinking taking those monsters to an establishment like this. Look at them, they aren't even properly dressed, that little boy looks homeless. I need to remember to send my grandbaby the new fall collection from Jack & Janie. My granddaughter will be dressed like a little lady, and I am sure she will only speak when spoken to! Had I known there would be children here I would have eaten elsewhere. That woman needs to take her circus to McDonald's.
Young (Ravishing) Mother
Where the hell is my wine already????
Scene Three: The gift shopYoung (Ravishing) Mother
All I need is a freaking pull up. They have condoms, Band-Aids, Connect-Four, slippers, batteries, dental floss, where are the pull ups? How could I have forgotten the pull ups? Fine. A swim diaper will have to do. He is four for Christ's sake! When will it end? No. No. I am not buying you more Doritos. Because you don't need them. Because you just had dinner. Which of course you didn't eat because you devoured a bread basket before the meal. Please stop making a scene. Did I mention we could watch a movie if your good? Shhhh. People are staring. FINE. FINE WE CAN GET DORITOS.
I need more wine.
Four Year Old Boy:
DORITOS! THEY HAVE DORITOS! MUST HAVE THEM. MUST HAVE THEM NOW.
No fair! Those kids get Doritos again. I want Doritos. Will you share your Doritos? What's wrong with their mom? She looks likes like she has had a lot of birthdays since this afternoon. Funny.