Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
There is no denying it, I'm getting bigger. Yes I realize that this is suppose to happen. Still, it frightens me a little. My expanding belly means that I am getting that much closer to having a real live kicking, screaming, keeping -me -awake- all night- newborn.
Sometimes I am truly surprised by my size. I don't feel as large as I look. I still think of myself as me with a little bump, and then I'll catch a glimpse of myself as I pass by the mirror and feel utter shock. Who is that PREGNANT lady? Oh holy hell.... it can't be.
My friends won't let me forget either. On Friday I saw a girlfriend who had come over for dinner just two weeks earlier. "You have gotten so much bigger!" was one of the first things out of her mouth. I suppose she is right.
Reality is setting in. I had to book a dentist appointment four months from today. As I was looking at the calendar I realized that I will be on maternity leave at that time and will therefor need childcare for baby as I get my teeth cleaned. Wow. WOW.
It is so easy to get caught up in pregnancy. The worries, the morning sickness, the cravings, the aches and pains and the joyful kicks. It's easy to conveniently forget about what comes next. The baby. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited to welcome the newest member of our family, but I am also terrified. Days when I feel overwhelmed by my two fighting, frenzied offspring I stop and think to myself, and I'm adding a newborn to this mix? Am I out of my mind? Too late now mama!
Will I be able to handle this growing bundle of joy come May 31? Will I be able to juggle it all? Yes, I realize I will get through this, millions and millions of parents do. I just think back to the time when Zachary was born, and although it wasn't all sunshine and roses, it was manageable. One baby, two grown ups. We shared the load and had plenty of time to bask in the bliss of new parenthood. We could stare at our tiny angel and capture every moment on film, on paper, and in our hearts. With Evan it was a little harder, and now with baby boy #3, I can only imagine. Will he get any attention at all? Will my husband get to bond with him, or will it fall to me, with the milk, while papa takes care of the other two?
I feel guilty that this baby won't receive the same sort of attention from us, or from family. He is grandson #5 on both sides after all, and I think that everyone may just be over it. The grandmas were giddy with Zachary, knitting and quilting up a storm. This time around one unnamed grandparent has found herself "too busy" to assist with hand making the birth announcements as she has done for each of the other grandchildren. I suppose the enthusiasm is just... gone. How unfair. Doesn't the little one inside of me deserve the same love and excitement as those who have come before? And yet, it is just impossible for it to be the same, because things are different.
On the bright side the littlest Kargas will have two older brothers who will love him and show him the ropes. Brothers he can look up to for a lifetime. Evan and Zachary are now playing and causing all kinds of trouble together. Just as I had hoped for, they are becoming friends. And before you know it we will have The Three Musketeers.
Yes....before you know it. My belly is proof.
(Only a few months ago, Zachary would never agreed to an "Evan Sandwich" these days he is more than happy to oblige!)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
A 15 month old, whose mother told the cameras that after three boys, she finally had a daughter, which was her dream. Why? She always wanted to see her little girl become Ms. America. This toddler had a spray tan, wore make up and was given coca cola to keep her awake for the show. After a "poor performance" the mother screamed "She was horrible! Just horrible" while carrying her baby. This same mother is shown spending an absolute fortune on designer baby clothes including a bikini. She explained that she didn't know how much money she spent preparing for pageants, but it didn't matter, she would do what it would take to help her daughter become a beauty queen. (I have to wonder if she is setting aside any cash for a college education.)
Who the hell is this woman and why doesn't someone arrest her? My sister-in-law said it best, this is child abuse. Plain and simple. What kind of lesson does it teach a little girl? That they are valued first and foremost for their beauty. That they are to be judged on their looks and ability to act cute. These kids are too young to decide for themselves, so they are forced into a bizarre lifestyle centered around beauty competition. Sadly, while it may look like the girls are having "fun" I am certain that they are not learning healthy values. Not to mention that they are being robbed of their precious childhood and innocence. Just look at the child pictured above, I feel guilty even putting it on my blog, but it is already out there for the world to view. She is probably four or five, being made up to look like she is a (sexy)25. It's insane. Can't these kids just be kids?
Of course this is really only an exaggeration of what we see in our every day society. All you have to do is stand in the grocery store check out line and scan the covers of the magazines on display. "Horrible Celebrity Beach Bodies!" "How She Lost The Baby Weight In Just Four Weeks!" "Oprah Packs On The Pounds...Again" "Is Angelina Wasting Away?" "Top Ten Beauty Secrets To Wow Your Man" It's okay if you're too young to actually read the headlines, pictures tell a thousand words.
So now I am on my soap box approaching a subject far too complex for a tired mama a 10:30PM.
I'll shut up now, but please, do me a favor do not watch this horrible, horrible program. I think I might boycott TLC altogether.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Two years ago when our next door neighbor's 4 year old daughter Willa lost her life to cancer, we were able to brush over it. Zack asked no questions. Although our neighborhood was consumed with grief, my three old was fairly oblivious. I was able to hide my tears, and he paid no attention to hushed voices. I was relieved.
This past summer when our cat Wiggum passed away, Zack at first seemed unfazed. Weeks later he started to ask, why? Why did Wiggum die? I answered that when we get old, our bodies stop working. Again he asked, why? I responded that it was because our bodies were not made to last forever, they get worn out like old toys. A few days later he confided to me that he was afraid to get old and die. I told him the only thing that I could think of- "Don't worry, it won't happen for a very long time and when it happens you won't be afraid anymore." I sincerely would like to believe that. The questions continued over the next several weeks but eventually tapered off.
More recently daddy made the (un)wise decision to tell Zachary about a video game he played as a child. Something about Hitler and the S.S. When I overheard this conversation I was fairly disgusted by the whole thing. Even if the point of the game was to "get" Hitler, I felt that it trivialized the Holocaust, and Zachary was learning about this horrific part of our history as if it were a make-believe good guys/bad guys contest. I interrupted and tried to explain about Hitler in very simple terms. This has lead to many, many more questions. "Why did Mr. Hitler hate people?" "Who did Mr. Hitler hate?" "How did Mr. Hitler kill people?" "How did Mr. Hitler die?" "What was Mr. Hitler's middle name?" And on, and on. First, I have had to bite my tongue and refrain from telling Zack that there is no need to refer to Hitler as "Mr.", he doesn't deserve that much respect. That just seems confusing. But I have done my best to try and describe the events in general terms, sparing the gruesome details. I went so far as attempting a positive spin on the conversation. I brought up Martin Luther King and how he fought against hatred. I know....it's a bit of a stretch, but I'm not ready to share all of this difficult reality with my five year old.
And now, we have sad news close to home. One of Zachary's favorite preschool teachers was just diagnosed with colon cancer. There it is again. Cancer. Unlike the tragic passing of Willa, Zack is now old enough to understand when someone isn't coming back. His teacher is very ill, I don't know what his future holds, but I am expecting the worst. And the questions are coming....again. "Why is Chris's body very sick?" "Will the doctors fix Chris?" "Is Chris going to die?"
Such difficult questions. Questions that shine a glaring spotlight on the painful reality that we cannot protect our children from life. We cannot eliminate all evil from the planet and we do not get to decide who gets sick and who dies.
And with each honest answer I provide, my sweet child's innocence is further eroded.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"My email isn't working. I keep losing my connection to the VPN. My wireless seems to be okay, I think, the little computer at the bottom with the waves coming out of it says my connection is "very good." But I keep getting an error message. I forget what it says. I tried plugging my computer into the modem thingy but that doesn't help. What version of Windows am I running? Huh? I don't know. How would I know that? I have a Dell. I don't have a Mac, does that help?"
At this point there is usually a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone.
What? I can't help it. I didn't go to school for this stuff, it's boring, complicated and doesn't fit in my brain the right way. I admit it. I just want someone else to do this tech stuff for me. Baby me. I don't want to be a big girl and figure it out myself. IT guy- you can figure out my email problem in thirty seconds, whereas it will take me an hour and a lot of frustration to follow your trouble shooting bullet points. I'll start sweating. Then I'll end up calling you anyway.
Yet, the help desk continues to think I should be able to do this stuff independently with a little Q&A sheet.
I guess they just don't know who they're dealing with.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I'm not sure he is all that bright. He doesn't seem to work hard anyway. Often times I catch him nodding off right there at the desk. Odd. I guess he isn't worried about his productivity. I'm not sure why anyone keeps him around, but it doesn't seem as if he is going anywhere, in fact he stays in the office 24/7.
At least he doesn't complain much, or bore me with office gossip. We have all had coworkers who plop themselves down in your office and open up the flood gates, as if you were being paid to be their personal therapist. No, this dude keeps his trap shut.
I think he may be stealing my lunch. Let me rephrase that, I am certain that he is stealing my lunch. Right off my desk. I'll leave my meal sitting just for a moment to run down the hall, and when I return there seems to be a little less, and I swear to God, there he is licking his lips. I kid you not. Does he think I am stupid?
Apparently yes, he does. After all, he has pretty much gotten away with murder......