Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Performance Improvement Plan: Julian

Happy four week anniversary at Kargas Inc Julian! We do hope that the staff has made you feel at home here and that you are enjoying your time with the organization.

Of course we are still getting to know you, but we do have some initial feedback about your performance.

There are some concerns.

As you may or may not know we have given a great deal of thought to the core Kargas Inc competencies required for success. They are as follows, Interpersonal Communication Skills, Creativity and Problem Solving Capabilities. We have evaluated you in each of these key areas.

Interpersonal Communication Skills:

Several staff members have expressed concern about their ability to communicate with you. In fact we have had multiple complaints from individuals who have stated they frequently have no idea what you are trying to tell them. They have described your communication style as abrasive and incoherent. Julian, this is a serious problem. How can we help you if you cannot tell us what you need? How can you contribute if your language is unintelligible?


You appear to be caught in a rut and we do not see you embracing a variety of tasks. We are concerned that you are only comfortable performing a narrow range activities and you don't seem to have any outside interests. We recommend that you try new things, get a hobby. Make a friend.

Problem Solving Capabilities:

Here at Kargas Inc. we require employees to come to us with solutions when they voice their concerns. We are certainly open to your feedback, but you need to take a proactive approach to problem solving. When you voice a concern we would like you to come to us with some constructive suggestions. At this point all we are hearing is a lot of negativity and complaining.

Julian, you are now on a Performance Improvement Plan. You have 18 years to address the above concerns. It's a good thing you're cute.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Lazy Song

I do not like Bruno Mars. How do I even know this guy's name? Because I listen to bad radio in the mornings when I drive the boys to preschool. I can't help myself. I like the morning show banter. Bruno Mars has a "hit" that the pop stations are playing. I have heard it one too many times- in the mini van, on the way to Berkeley with two boys bickering in the backseat and Ju-Ju Bean wailing at the top of his lungs. It's called "The Lazy Song", and I swear he wrote it just to taunt parents of young children and hard working people everywhere.

A sample of the lyrics:

Today I don't feel like doing anything

I just want to lay in my bed.

Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone

Because today I swear I'm not doing anything.

Brilliant Mr. Mars, me too! I'm not going to do a darn thing today.... except wait, I might as well wish for a pet unicorn or a money tree in my backyard, because that is how realistic such a scenario is for me. In fact, I can't possibly imagine a day in the next ten years where doing nothing would be a remote option. So thank you Bruno for rubbing it in my face, over and over again. I'll just have to sit here trying to drink one freaking cup of coffee while begging my four week old to hush, and negotiating with my boys for ten minutes of peace and quite.

Must be nice to be you Bruno. Have a nice stinkin' day.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Better luck next time

Newborns are temperamental. One day they sleep like an angel morning to night, the next day they wail continually, satisfied only when held in your arms. Life with a three week old is always up in the air, doing anything is a gamble because you never know which baby will "show up" at any particular moment.

Today, I decided to go take the plunge and do the weekly grocery shopping with Julian. Hello, disaster. It did not go well. I picked a Monday morning thinking it would be a quiet day at Safeway. I was wrong. The store was crowded and the lines were long.

I walked into the store with a sleeping baby in a car seat. Perfect. Except exactly one minute and thirty seconds into our trip, Julian woke up. And he was mad. But I was determined to get the job done. At first he was merely whimpering, but soon enough he escalated into full blown crying. I whisked through the store, throwing the items from my mental list into the cart. Each time I turned down a new isle there was someone who wanted to stop and chat. "Oh a new one! How old?" "Can I see your baby?" Almost everyone was good natured and sympathetic to my plight. But of course there was the one exception, there usually is. Today it was an uptight old biddy, who likely believes that children were meant to be seen not heard. She stared at me from across the cereal isle, her mouth pressed into a disapproving smirk. As she passed me she glanced inside my car seat and clicked her tongue. "Poor thing, he should be wearing socks you know" she muttered and continued on her way.

Socks? You mean the socks that have been abandoned in the backseat of the car because the child keeps on kicking them off his skinny little feet? Lady unless I duck tape them on, the socks aren't going to stick. Besides, it is about 80 degrees outside, and even the grocery store feels warm. I wanted to run after her with some sort of snide come back. If we are offering free unsolicited advice I would be happy to share my thoughts about the contents of her grocery cart (Doritos and Hungry Man frozen dinners). But I hold my tongue and press on.

I raced through the rest of the store, deciding to give up by the time I reached produce. I headed to checkout and eyed the long lines. There was no good option. So I picked a random line and waited. For whatever reason there was no one available for bagging, although there seemed to be about 12 Safeway employees standing around doing nothing. I bagged my own and just about ran out of the store.

I arrived home to find that I made quite a few grocery mistakes in my rush.

  • I purchased honey mustard pretzels instead of plain, yuck

  • I bought enough chicken for a family twice my size. Oops.

  • I forgot the eggs.

  • I forgot the cottage cheese.

  • I selected juice boxes for the boys lunch, instead of the low fat milk drink boxes because I could not reach the milk.

  • One bunch of over-ripe bananas and one bag of baby carrots will have to suffice for fruits and vegetables this week.

Better luck next time?

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Where have I been?

Where have I been?

Let's see. I've either had a baby attached to my breast, strapped to my torso, or bouncing in my arms. If per chance, Julian is sleeping in his bassinet or in daddy's arms, then I'm vacuuming, breaking up World War III over who has the most goldfish crackers, folding laundry or wiping someones rear end. It's a glamours life, no lie.

Blogging has been next to impossible. Not that I haven't had some brilliant ideas for my next post....

  • Other uses for the 12 foot long baby wrap I purchased, but am not smart enough to utilize.

  • McDonald's-why they suck, but why it's our own damn fault.

  • The night nurse from hell.

  • Our family-the least popular family of my son's preschool. The first family to have nobody sign up to assist with new baby meal deliveries. Bitter much?

  • Pump It Up! The birthday factory.

  • Father's Day. Huh?

Ahh, but the baby is crying, all of these ideas will have to wait for a better time...whenever that may be.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

You do the math

1 6.5lb nocturnal newborn


1 high energy, early rising, often moody, 5.5 year old


1 sweet, yet mischievous 3 year old


Reasonable amount of sleep


1 stinky, shedding dog


USELESS, litter box mess creating cat, (multiplied by 2)


10 loads of laundry per week


1 fully stocked refrigerator


3 *free* weeks of unsolicited parenting advice


600 Lego and puzzle pieces covering 1 living room floor


1 neglected blog, dwindling in popularity


Countless photo ops


10 perfect baby toes


Endless sloppy toddler kisses


Ever being lonely


One half-crazed, often crabby, 90% spit-up covered, mommy with a very full heart.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Happy Birthday Evan!

Today was a big day. I turned three. Yeah, I know, I'm getting up there. A lot has happened in the past year. At two, I was still sleeping in a crib, wearing diapers and I didn't know how to buckle my own car seat. All that has changed.

Now, not only can I do a 48 piece puzzle by myself, I also wear Buzz Lightyear underwear. I can safely say that I have discovered myself, and I am my own boy. I'm no push-over. If my brother tries to give me the smaller half of the cookie I know how to throw a punch. If mommy tries to turn off the TV in the middle of my show, I can throw quite the tantrum. I frequently get my way. If not by the shear volume of my voice, by batting my baby blues. I am pretty darn adorable when I want to be.

Thus on June 12, the anniversary of the greatest day in history we kicked off a week long celebration of my birth. Today we had gifts, a trip to the zoo, lunch at McDonald's and daddy made me a chocolate cake. Later in the week I will have my school celebration, and finally next weekend an exclusive party at Pump It Up with all VIP guests.

It's not too late to send your gifts. I'll accept them year round.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Hold Still

I awake in the middle of the night. Thirsty. I reach over for the call button, but all I see is my alarm clock, a stack of dirty burp clothes and an empty water bottle. Damn it. I forgot. I'm home. There is no night nurse to fill me up with narcotics and an icy cold beverage. If I want a drink I have to either a) awaken the sleeping baby laying peacefully on my chest or b) awaken the snoring, crabby husband lying next to me. Guess I'll go without.

Julian is nine days old today. Nine whole days have past since he took his first breath. He has gained 3 ounces since his birth. He will only get bigger. Why must it go so fast? I wish that I could have simply pressed the "pause button" and stayed in that beautiful time right after delivery a bit longer. Let's be honest, my stay at the hospital is as close to a vacation as I am going to get for a long, long time. Heck for a woman like me with a house full of chaos, my room at Alta Bates was basically a spa. A reclining bed, with a remote control attached. 24/7 nurses who, like angels attended to my every need. Everyone who saw me greeted me with a cheerful "congratulations!" and looked at my baby with admiring eyes. I had nothing more to do than stare lovingly at my newborn and nurse him 20 time a day.

Now I feel it slipping away... before I know it he will be walking, talking, testing limits, hitting, throwing tantrums, telling me he hates me, reading, sneaking R-rated movies, driving, drinking, graduating, moving far away, ignoring my calls, getting married to a woman who hates me, having babies and putting me in a home.

Damn it kid. Hold still. Stay little. Don't grow up too fast.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was wishing time away. Every hour seemed to last an eternity as I awaited the arrival of my Ju-Ju Bean. Well now that he is here time seems to be moving too fast. Hold still. I just want to enjoy this time a little longer. Hold still.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Ju-Ju Bean

Seven things I learned six days postpartum

1) Your third baby is no less miraculous than your first. Giving birth is an incredibly humbling experience. Holding a perfect new being for the first time is an experience like none other.

2) Berkeley has worn off on me. I didn't hesitate to remove my crying newborn from his car seat and stroll the isles of Target nursing my hungry son as I walked. I had shopping to do.

3) The body's ability to heal itself is amazing. Six days post surgery and only two days after having my staples removed I have little need for pain killers, and I am able to get around just fine.

4) Hard as I try I still can't reconcile the fact that although I feel pretty good, I still look five or six months pregnant. I try to remind myself that this is normal, yet it still bums me out. I want to look as good as I feel. I don't want anyone to ask me about my due date. I want to fit into my clothing again. I am thinking back to all of the "Body After Baby!" articles I have read in People magazine and I'm getting more and more pissed off.

5) Your own infant is always the most beautiful thing you have ever set eyes upon. Sure, he has acne, blotchy skin, and looks like a room full of other babies, yet you could stare at him endlessly.

6) Baby number three adds a whole new level of complexity to family logistics. Sure, adding that first baby to your family is a shock to the system, but you are still relatively mobile. I remember taking Zachary to a New Years Eve party when he was several months old. He slept in the car seat while we stayed up and celebrated with our friends until 1am. These days the idea of packing up the troops and going to the playground seems overwhelming....

7) Even when given a beautiful dignified name, it is nearly impossible not to come up with a cutesy nickname for a cuddly newborn. I call this little guy Ju-Ju Bean. I just can't seem to help myself!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Welcome Julian Michael

Out with the acid reflux.... in with Julian Michael Kargas!

Julian was born on May 31st at 4:06am. My wish was granted, I got a May baby, who arrived on a date of his own choosing. He is healthy and in my unbiased opinion totally beautiful.

I spent a glorious four nights in the hospital, my sweet 6lb, 6oz baby snuggled against me most of the time. Bliss.

Everything went smoothly. I had contractions starting around 9pm on the 30th, and waited it out until 1am before I was convinced that I was truly in labor. By the time we arrived at the hospital there was no doubt in my mind, pain doesn't lie. I went in for my c-section just before 4am, it was a long night, but an incredibly happy one.

I wanted to write more but Mr. Mcfussy pants is crying for mama.