Friday, March 25, 2011

Body After Baby. BOOO!

I admit it. I read trashy celebrity magazines. In my defense, I do have standards. I don't sink as low as Star. Instead I prefer the higher caliber People and Us Weekly. I know it's bad for me. I know that I should be spending reading time perusing the New York Times. Call it a guilty pleasure.

I had my fill today. I was stuck at the doctor's office for hours. First I had to wait for my scheduled OB appointment. I don't know why they bother with a scheduling system. The office is usually off by at least forty-five minutes. After my routine appointment I had to head to the lab for the standard glucose blood test done at the beginning of the third trimester. For those of you who are blissfully unaware of what this test entails, I will fill you in. First the patient must fast for at least six hours. Then she is forced to consume (in five minutes or less) a large and repulsive glucose drink. It's thick, overly sweet and very gag-worthy. After consuming the dreaded beverage one must then wait an hour for a blood draw. The purpose is to screen for gestational diabetes. Good times.

So as I sat waiting in the lab trying not to vomit, I paged through People magazine, soaking up all of the celebrity gossip. Eventually I got to the standard "Body After Baby!" page. I hate this feature. It is always the same. Photos of a well known movie star in the last weeks of her pregnancy. She is usually looking her worst in a pair of yoga pants clutching a Venti Starbucks Frappacino. Next to the pregnancy photo is the post baby shot. The star is inevitably back into a size zero, has a flat stomach and the caption reads "2 months after baby!" In this particular edition they had a photo of some chick I'm not familiar with, showing off a perfect figure three weeks after giving birth. THREE WEEKS. Folks, I don't believe the uterus has even shrunk to it's normal size at three weeks post partum, so I am wondering what in the world this woman did to achieve a flat stomach?

Of course the article usually goes on to explain what was done to achieve the amazing results in such a short period of time. Usually it sites a diet of lean grilled meat and veggies and a vigorous workout schedule including 4 mile a day runs, pilates, yoga, and weight lifting with a trainer.

I'll have to keep that in mind when I am attempting to shed my baby weight. I'll just make sure that I have my trainer come to the house five times a week while one of my three nannies watches the boys. I'll be sure to have my personal chef whip up some organic veggies and low fat smoothies for me, or I'll have my special, portion controlled meals delivered to the door three times a day.

For the love of God, why does society do this? I believe there used to be a time when women were encouraged to indulge a little while they were pregnant, and not be expected to slip back into the skinny jeans a month after giving birth. Shouldn't we all be a little disgusted by these women who spend more time at the gym after giving birth than nurturing their newborn? I'm not advocating that new mothers never exercise or that they needlessly hold on to an extra thirty pounds, but I am asking for a little reprieve. Let us be. We put enough pressure on ourselves to get our bodies back, we don't need pop culture dictating to us that it should be done inside of two months.

I know there is an easy solution to my dilemma. Stop looking at these magazines.

But then how would I stay up to date on details of the upcoming royal wedding? How would I know if the Bachelor is really in love?

Come on now. I've got my priorities people.


  1. Lol. I am not allowed to bring those mags into the house. I only get to read them in offices and in lines :( Just remember that those people are NOT NORMAL! You look great now and you'll look amazing after. (((Hugs)))

  2. I know - it IS disgusting placing so much priority on losing weight when your body needs that weight to nurture a baby. When I was first preggers I shared the honour with Jodie Foster who put on a neat little 8 kilos while I put on 19. I totally lost respect for her ;). BTW I don't know what it is but those mags really relax me when I've had a stressful day,so they are obviously good for something....

  3. I am fighting this exact same fight right now. I SOOOO hear you!

  4. With all the choas going on in the world, these articles on post baby thinness are obscene. In so much of the world, women are lucky to be able to feed their newborns! Sorry for the outburst. I read the New York Times daily and it is bad for my mental health!

  5. I am shocked that you have to sit in the office for an hour! With both pregnancies they sent the glucose drink home with me the previous visit so I just drink it early show up for my scheduled appt and they draw!

  6. hehe...this is my guilty pleasure too. However, I HATE this section as well. I even wrote a Transparent Moment about it awhile back as I am TWO YEARS post baby and still have a muffin top and separated stomach muscles :)

  7. I LOVE these mags, as trashy as they are. I am also disgusted with the "body after baby" feature, though. I'm sure a lot of these women had c-tucks, then that whole team of experts helping them get back to their plastic selves, but who would WANT to do that? After having my kids and working out in the gym several times a week, I still have a belly and muffin top. My bellybutton looks like a sad, wrinkly version of its former self. But you know what? I ENJOYED my time with my babies. I wouldn't trade that for grilled salmon and broccoli and hours of training, ever!

    PS- The glucose thing totally sucks. I heard they might have a jellybean alternative now.

    PPS- I'm SO looking forward to the royal wedding, eeeeee!! :)

  8. Amen sister! I have to indulge my celebrity gossip fix at all doctors appts. too. Looking forward to the royal wedding too! I just remind myself that my body is the result of giving birth to two precious kids and so what if it's not perfect? My muscles will never go back to the way they were, no matter how much training I do.

  9. I wholeheartedly agree. It takes 9 months to put on the baby weight. You should get a minimum of 9 months to take it off! Two months is outrageous. Most women still look pregnant two months out. Plus who wants to exercise with a personal trainer when you could be getting to know the precious new member of the family?

  10. I am almost a month post partum and I still look 5 months pregnant! I was actually excited last week when I fit back into my maternity pants (which I sadly outgrew this pregnancy!). I am actually deathly afraid to leave the house without the baby, in fear of someone asking me how far along I am. If I strap Phoebe to my front, it covers up my buddha belly perfectly!
    Thanks for this post!