Body After Baby. BOOO!

I admit it. I read trashy celebrity magazines. In my defense, I do have standards. I don't sink as low as Star. Instead I prefer the higher caliber People and Us Weekly. I know it's bad for me. I know that I should be spending reading time perusing the New York Times. Call it a guilty pleasure.

I had my fill today. I was stuck at the doctor's office for hours. First I had to wait for my scheduled OB appointment. I don't know why they bother with a scheduling system. The office is usually off by at least forty-five minutes. After my routine appointment I had to head to the lab for the standard glucose blood test done at the beginning of the third trimester. For those of you who are blissfully unaware of what this test entails, I will fill you in. First the patient must fast for at least six hours. Then she is forced to consume (in five minutes or less) a large and repulsive glucose drink. It's thick, overly sweet and very gag-worthy. After consuming the dreaded beverage one must then wait an hour for a blood draw. The purpose is to screen for gestational diabetes. Good times.

So as I sat waiting in the lab trying not to vomit, I paged through People magazine, soaking up all of the celebrity gossip. Eventually I got to the standard "Body After Baby!" page. I hate this feature. It is always the same. Photos of a well known movie star in the last weeks of her pregnancy. She is usually looking her worst in a pair of yoga pants clutching a Venti Starbucks Frappacino. Next to the pregnancy photo is the post baby shot. The star is inevitably back into a size zero, has a flat stomach and the caption reads "2 months after baby!" In this particular edition they had a photo of some chick I'm not familiar with, showing off a perfect figure three weeks after giving birth. THREE WEEKS. Folks, I don't believe the uterus has even shrunk to it's normal size at three weeks post partum, so I am wondering what in the world this woman did to achieve a flat stomach?

Of course the article usually goes on to explain what was done to achieve the amazing results in such a short period of time. Usually it sites a diet of lean grilled meat and veggies and a vigorous workout schedule including 4 mile a day runs, pilates, yoga, and weight lifting with a trainer.

I'll have to keep that in mind when I am attempting to shed my baby weight. I'll just make sure that I have my trainer come to the house five times a week while one of my three nannies watches the boys. I'll be sure to have my personal chef whip up some organic veggies and low fat smoothies for me, or I'll have my special, portion controlled meals delivered to the door three times a day.

For the love of God, why does society do this? I believe there used to be a time when women were encouraged to indulge a little while they were pregnant, and not be expected to slip back into the skinny jeans a month after giving birth. Shouldn't we all be a little disgusted by these women who spend more time at the gym after giving birth than nurturing their newborn? I'm not advocating that new mothers never exercise or that they needlessly hold on to an extra thirty pounds, but I am asking for a little reprieve. Let us be. We put enough pressure on ourselves to get our bodies back, we don't need pop culture dictating to us that it should be done inside of two months.

I know there is an easy solution to my dilemma. Stop looking at these magazines.

But then how would I stay up to date on details of the upcoming royal wedding? How would I know if the Bachelor is really in love?

Come on now. I've got my priorities people.