Tuesday, April 12, 2011

How to torture a pregnant woman in her third trimester

How to torture a pregnant woman in her third trimester:

1) Require pregnant woman (PW), to fast. This means waking up in the morning, feeding the rest of the family breakfast, watching her husband drink coffee and refraining from consuming even a morsel.

2) PW must then report straight to Labcorp for the first of several blood draws. PW may already be feeling grumpy and woozy from lack of nourishment, might as well stick her with a needle and suck some blood out of her.

3) Force PW to drink a thick nauseating "orange flavored" beverage. This beverage will likely cause her to heave and nearly toss the slim contents of her stomach, but she must jug it within five minutes under the watchful eye of a cranky technician who wreaks of tobacco.

4) Make PW stay in drafty lab waiting room for a total of three hours. She must watch a slew of unhappy, unhealthy people pass in and out of the facility coughing and spreading their sick germs. Every so often PW will need to report to the back for another test, more blood sucking. PW is not to eat anything during this time.

5) Dismiss PW and inform her that her results will be back "sometime" soon. Results may determine that she has gestational diabetes and must refrain from eating anything good for the remainder of her pregnancy.

Hurray. I am headed for a three hour glucose blood test on Friday. T-O-R-T-U-R-E. I should probably be concerned for the health of my baby, but honestly I am not worried. My levels were only slightly off, however I am still required to take this test. I am dreading this experience the way some folks might dread a colonoscopy. The more I think about that drink, the more my skin crawls. I know that I am only making it worse. By the time Friday morning rolls around I just may not be able to do it.

Ain't life grand?


  1. When I was preggers, my doc DID have me fast but did not make me drink that horrid drink. Instead, I was instructed to go eat lots of carbs and sugar (bagel and OJ) and come back three hours later. Perhaps you could talk to your doc about doing the same?

  2. That sounds SO much better. I have wondered why they don't just tell you to eat a big gooey sweet roll... I thought it was because they wanted to really control exactly how many calories/sugar/carbs you were consuming. There MUST be something better than that awful drink!!!

  3. eww yeah I remember that....yuck! Thoughts are with ya!!

  4. I remember that experience. After a 3 hour session of repeated blood drawing and drinking of horrible sweet orange liquid, I stuffed my face with some bread rolls, I was so hungry. Oh, and that orange drink made the baby kick like mad!

    Good luck on Friday!

  5. I heard that there may be a jelly bean alternative to the orange crap. That would make the experience a lot better, I think!

    I did a LOT of Sudoku while waiting during all those appointments. :)

  6. Ugg. Luckily, my midwives allowed an alternative glucose screening which required a blood test, eating a big sugary breakfast, then walking for 30 minutes, then re-drawing blood. I feel lucky b/c i have heard that drink is horrendous! Sorry!

  7. Ugh, I had completely forgotten about all of these tests until you said the orange goop-- and it all came crashing back clear as day. Good luck!

  8. My skin crawls with you.....ugh!

  9. I had pushed the orange drink way back in the deep recesses of my memory. Makes my stomach heave just thinking about it. Good luck!

  10. Oh Mama! I went through the same thing with my second pregnancy - and I was the kind of pregnant woman that had to eat every three minutes. Ugh. But everything came out normal - will keep fingers crossed for you.

    Peryl (http://blog.seattlepi.com/parentingadabsurdum

  11. Ugh, I remember that! Worst. Day. Ever.
    Don't they know by now that the last - LAST - people in the world who should be skipping meals are very hungry, easily-angered pregnant women?

  12. Nothing like pregnancy to turn you into a pincushion, science experiment and vomit assembly line...

    You're in the home stretch at least *strained smile*

  13. I have forgot about all the torture while I was pregnant.
    People should not mess with the hormone challenged and their food.
    New follower from MBC.
    Come check me out at http://momsinvent.blogspot.com

  14. Wouldn't it make more sense for you to buy a home test for diabetes and test yourself on a regular basis, rather than mess when your blood sugar levels and risk getting tested on an "off" day, when your insulin levels are fluctuating anyway?

    I don't understand. It seems to me that regular testing for a few days will give everyone a better picture of what's going on, and you won't have to throw up orange colored whatever-the-hell-that-is.

  15. yes there is a jelly bean alternative which i have done my last 3 pregnanacies and its so much more edible :)