Thursday, May 6, 2010

From the Desk of Rachel Kargas

Dear Staff,

I am writing to you today because of some very serious issues that have come to my attention. These are concerns that seriously threaten the integrity of Kargas Inc. These issues require your immediate attention.

First, I am very, very disappointed to announce that our support staff has raised some extremely serious allegations against Kargas Inc. These accusations threaten the very integrity of our organization.

  • One unnamed employee (ruff, ruff), has claimed that she has been consistently harassed over the past several weeks with physical threats including "hit! hit!". This same individual (bark, bark), has documented proof that employees have pulled her ears, and tampered with her food.

  • Another very small employee (meow) claims that the work environment is hostile and that he feels unsafe in the presence of all other staff members. He says he hides in fear for the entire work day.

These allegations are very disturbing. The support staff has threatened to contact their unions (PETA & the American Humane Society) and bring suits against Kargas Inc, suits which could possibly put Kargas Inc out of business.

I am hear by demanding that this behavior cease IMMEDIATELY. We are an equal opportunity employer, and we will not stand for the harassment of other species.

I also find it necessary to mention that we are at risk for incurring significant fines from the Department of Health due to the unsanitary conditions in our work space. It is embarrassing, and inexcusable. Effective immediately each and every Kargas Inc employee must adhere to the following policies:

  1. All used pull-ups most be disposed of in an appropriate garbage can. It is not acceptable to discard soiled garments on the floor of ones room.

  2. Food is to be eaten at the kitchen table, and must not be flung from one's plate onto the floor. Food throwing has resulted in sticky floors and walls.

  3. Please refrain from playing with kitty litter. This spreads germs and puts you at risk of contracting social pariah disease.

  4. Please do not leave hair balls in common spaces. If you feel the need to purge a hair ball please do so in a designated area. (i.e.outside).

Finally, I have personally noticed an overall lack of professionalism in the work place. I am particularly offended by the poor choice of language I have overheard on company property. Potty language is never acceptable. Going forward all foul language will be fined $30 to be deposited in the Kargas Inc Fashion Fund.

Now while I am certainly disappointed, I do take partial responsibility for the company's poor performance. I realize that I have been out of pocket for the past couple of months working on some off site projects and I am sure that this has upset the general balance of our organization. As a result, I am now dedicated to increasing my time on site by 50%, so I will be much more visible, and I will continue to make my expectations clear.

In happier news, I am sure that you are all well aware of the BIG upcoming company holiday. Sunday is the day to honor yours truly, your CEO and Mama. Gifts will be accepted. Please talk with our CFO, he has the budget and I assure you it will be generous....

Warm Regards,



  1. We have similar playing with the kitty litter problems. NASTY.

  2. I think Wilco has already contacted PETA and the AHS- and if he hasn't already I may turn my staff in myself!

  3. Hey, Wilco was eating the kitty litter! Wilco is one patient doggy! Rachel, you know how to crack down on your employers. Soon, though, they are going to ask to get paid for things! you may hear things like "It's not fair! She only had to wash three dishes last night and I have to wash four!".