I am not going through an identity crisis. I know who I am. I am just not sure I like her.
When I started this blog, I knew it would be in part about my role as a mommy, however, I also thought it would encompass other parts of who I am. Right now, I am simply Rachel The Mom. Friends warned me of this. I was advised to create a life outside of my children, because kids are not kids forever. At first I adhered to the warnings. I kept up with my career, my friendships and my workout routine, however as time has gone on and we have moved from one, than two, than three children, it's kind of fallen apart.
I am a stay at home mom. My blog is about my kids. All day long I am with human beings ages six and under. I cart them from place to place. I facilitate play dates, oversee homework, pack lunches, coordinate doctor appointments, grocery shop, and worry about their quirks, pains and behavior. That's pretty much it.
I wish I was writing about more. My marathon training, my trip to Kenya, the volunteer work I am doing at the woman's shelter, the Spanish and yoga lessons I am taking. But truth be told, I almost never purposefully exercise anymore (double stroller pushing seems to zap my energy), I don't have a valid passport, don't have the wherewithal to volunteer or the time for downward dog. I suppose if I gave up time on the weekends I could carve out a hobby, but I actually love my spouse, want to spend time with him, and don't feel it is fair to abandon him on Saturdays and Sundays.
It's a lot of excuses I know. It bothers me. I should have more energy. I should be doing more. I should be more interesting.
But I'm not. I'm a mom. Changing diapers. Doing laundry. Whining. Feeling a little isolated.
I'm a housewife. I'm a stereotype.
I'm a cliche.
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So...yeah. I hear you. Even though I AM training for a marathon :P If you rewind me back to when Q (my 3rd) was 6 months old, I sounded EXACTLY like you...except I never did that whole "career" thing...EVER. Cliche is underrated :)
ReplyDeleteI think this is very normal, Rachel, because it is so exhausting when you're in the newborn phase (and I only had two not three!) The first time I returned to my exercise class after I had my daughter I CRIED through the first class I think because of getting a little bit of "me" back. We used to trade off babysitting with a neighbor so we could go out and daycare at the exercise class is a wonderful invention, right? For now you can vent about it here!
ReplyDeleteAs the say in psychobabble STOP SHOULDING ON YOURSELF!!!!! You are doing just was is needed, and at this point your children need you. It doesn't last forever!
ReplyDeleteHere is some tough love- just go do it- it will get easier as they get older but you only have one life to live. You will be happier.
ReplyDeleteDo a hobby with your husband or volunteer with the kids- when we lived in Detroit I used to take my kids- (three and one) to an "old folks home" (what ever the PC term is!?) and they would play with other kids in the commons room as the residence would come and look at them. Just call the closest place to you- I like art so I found friends who do too and go to art shows- they are not huge amounts of time- most are super small but to feel alive because you did it is priceless.
I'm not trying to sound preachy but I know exactly how you feel and you just have to do it and stop wanting to do it.
I only have one...and she exhausts me....I don't know how you do what you do?!
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! The gift of your time to your kids is one not everyone is able or wants to give...
Pick one thing that you love to do more than anything and try to fit that in when you can....for me, it is painting. Sometimes it would take me a week to finish a simple piece...but I always felt more relaxed and a sene of accomplishment when I could sign my name on it :)
Best Wishes! Your kid are fun to read about...so no worry about that here :0)
No, no you are not a loser. And you are the very best cliche ever, who said being a cliche was bad? My kids are all in school now and guess what? I don't regret being at their beck and call for the last 11 years. I missed nothing. Not a first step, a first word, all those sweet moments that happen in a second. The smiles, the looks, everything.
ReplyDeleteMy sister in law told me you love who you serve. That is why we love our kids so darn much, because we pretty much are serving them all dang day long.
I know it's said a gajillion times (another cliche) but it's because it's true "they grow up quick".
The days are long but the years are short. You shouldn't be volunteering in Kenya, you should be molding your own kids to change the world. And they will. They will contribute all the love that was given to them.
That said it is the HARDEST job in the world. Also you do need breaks to recharge. Can't suggest yoga cause I hate it, but running is great. Whatever works for you.
Well, I can totally relate Rachel so you are speaking for a lot of us SAHM mom's out there and I love your posts. Keep it up when you can. You DO have an audience and ones that can relate, what else can you ask for?
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