Saturday, February 26, 2011
There is no denying it, I'm getting bigger. Yes I realize that this is suppose to happen. Still, it frightens me a little. My expanding belly means that I am getting that much closer to having a real live kicking, screaming, keeping -me -awake- all night- newborn.
Sometimes I am truly surprised by my size. I don't feel as large as I look. I still think of myself as me with a little bump, and then I'll catch a glimpse of myself as I pass by the mirror and feel utter shock. Who is that PREGNANT lady? Oh holy hell.... it can't be.
My friends won't let me forget either. On Friday I saw a girlfriend who had come over for dinner just two weeks earlier. "You have gotten so much bigger!" was one of the first things out of her mouth. I suppose she is right.
Reality is setting in. I had to book a dentist appointment four months from today. As I was looking at the calendar I realized that I will be on maternity leave at that time and will therefor need childcare for baby as I get my teeth cleaned. Wow. WOW.
It is so easy to get caught up in pregnancy. The worries, the morning sickness, the cravings, the aches and pains and the joyful kicks. It's easy to conveniently forget about what comes next. The baby. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited to welcome the newest member of our family, but I am also terrified. Days when I feel overwhelmed by my two fighting, frenzied offspring I stop and think to myself, and I'm adding a newborn to this mix? Am I out of my mind? Too late now mama!
Will I be able to handle this growing bundle of joy come May 31? Will I be able to juggle it all? Yes, I realize I will get through this, millions and millions of parents do. I just think back to the time when Zachary was born, and although it wasn't all sunshine and roses, it was manageable. One baby, two grown ups. We shared the load and had plenty of time to bask in the bliss of new parenthood. We could stare at our tiny angel and capture every moment on film, on paper, and in our hearts. With Evan it was a little harder, and now with baby boy #3, I can only imagine. Will he get any attention at all? Will my husband get to bond with him, or will it fall to me, with the milk, while papa takes care of the other two?
I feel guilty that this baby won't receive the same sort of attention from us, or from family. He is grandson #5 on both sides after all, and I think that everyone may just be over it. The grandmas were giddy with Zachary, knitting and quilting up a storm. This time around one unnamed grandparent has found herself "too busy" to assist with hand making the birth announcements as she has done for each of the other grandchildren. I suppose the enthusiasm is just... gone. How unfair. Doesn't the little one inside of me deserve the same love and excitement as those who have come before? And yet, it is just impossible for it to be the same, because things are different.
On the bright side the littlest Kargas will have two older brothers who will love him and show him the ropes. Brothers he can look up to for a lifetime. Evan and Zachary are now playing and causing all kinds of trouble together. Just as I had hoped for, they are becoming friends. And before you know it we will have The Three Musketeers.
Yes....before you know it. My belly is proof.
(Only a few months ago, Zachary would never agreed to an "Evan Sandwich" these days he is more than happy to oblige!)