Monday, February 22, 2010

Staff Meeting

Continuing on the make believe track, stick with me here.

Kargas Inc: MANDATORY All-Staff Meeting.

In attendance:
President: Mommy
CFO: Daddy
Senior Staff Member: Zachary
Intern: Evan
Secretary: Bascom
Facilities Manager: Wiggum
Janitor: Flanders

Meeting notes:

Mommy: We have called together this meeting to address several pressing matters that I can no longer ignore.

  • First, the budget. As our CFO recently informed me, it is time for us to tighten our belts. We have been overspending, and honestly, this staff is simply not bringing in any income. Due to some government regulations we are unable to reduce costs with a staff reduction for at least 14 years. With the exception of the support staff, your jobs are secure, but we are all going to have to do our part. Our action items are as follows: 1) We are changing our cereal supplier. We can no longer afford the premium General Mill's "Honey Nut Cheerios", we have found a new vendor who is considerably less expensive. We will now be purchasing "Taste-O's" exclusively, effective immediately. 2) Previous plans for a team building event/incentive trip to Disney World have been scraped. Instead we will have a staff party at "Tot Land". This gathering is for senior staff and interns only. No support staff will be invited. Light refreshments will be served (remember the Taste-Os?). 3) Within one year we hope to seriously reduce our paper costs and will cease all investments in Pampers, Huggies or any related companies.
  • Second it has come to my attention that there have been some inter-departmental communication and cooperation problems. This is unacceptable. We are one company, and one team, and we must start acting as such. The primary concern stems from resource sharing. Due to the budget crisis, we simply cannot continue to spend, spend, spend. We will not be purchasing any additional bedroom, playroom or outdoor supplies until further notice. Our CFO and I will be working closely to determine when we are able to resume purchasing additional resources. In the mean time we are demanding your cooperation in sharing our current toys, art supplies and stickers. Disciplinary action will be taken to those who are not utilizing resources appropriately.
  • Next, we are having some serious scheduling issues. Primarily, the work day will begin promptly at 7:00am. For those of you who wish to report in earlier, you may do so, but please be aware that Supervisors will not be available, and facilities will be limited. (The kitchen does not open until 7:30am). As required by law, when working a 13 hour day it is mandatory that all employees take at least a sixty minute break. We will incur serious fines if nap/quite times are not adhered to.
  • Finally it is time to work smarter, not just harder. The CFO and I have spent hours reviewing our time management and have determined that a significant amount of hours are wasted on laundry and dish washing in this operation . We feel that we can be far more efficient. Going forward, all clothing items, with the exception of undergarments must be worn twice before being laundered. This means that I expect each and everyone of you to monitor your personal use of stain producing products such as ketchup, chocolate frosting, and finger paints. In addition, it is not acceptable to simply take dishes out of drawers for the sake of play. Dishes may only be utilized at designated meal times.

That summarizes my comments. I hope you will think thoughtfully about this discussion, and determine what you can personally do to make Kargas Inc a more profitable organization. Any questions?


  1. I think the best advice for Kargas, Inc. is to stay away from stain-inducing materials such as katsup, frosting, and finger paints. I'd like to employ that strategy at Faverman, Inc. in order to reduce our overhead including water, electricity, and Mommy-scrubbing-clothing time.

  2. I would like to hire you to facilitate a meeting at Cain Inc. Due to the budget crisis we will have to have the meeting via Skype or phone as we cannot afford to fly you in.

  3. Yes, but Ms. Cain my consulting fees are fairly steep.

  4. I'm taking notes, just in case there's ever a Krauskopf, Inc. This is invaluable information!!

  5. hey josh, for the future of our country we all have fingers crossed that there will in fact be a Krauskopf Inc. It would do the world good. :)