It's a lovely feeling falling in love. I'm lucky that I experience it so often with my boys. It isn't the butterfly, giddy, can't think of anything else feeling, but rather the feeling in my heart that I would do anything for the small souls that depend on me. When that tiny voice whispers "hand" and places the smallest of hands in mine, holding on to me with complete trust and vulnerability, I can't do anything but melt.
It sounds cliché but every day that passes I love each of my children more and more. Sometimes it is more evident than others. Today was one of those days.
It started this morning when I was left alone with Julian, my two older boys off for their first day at camp. We played cars in front of our house, Julian giggling every time I said "ready, set, GO!" and pushed a Hotwheel towards him, often spinning and flipping out of control before landing next to his tiny feet. We did it again, and again, and every time I was rewarded with the biggest most honest grin, the kind that makes you happy in your heart. We then ventured for a walk around the block. I figured Julian's toddler feet were a good match for my bum ankle. We made our way slowly, passing the beautiful Victorians that dot our neighborhood. I pointed out flowers and Julian insisted on sticking his nose in all of them to smell. He rejoiced at the site of kitty-cats and squirrels. He reached for and demanded my hand in his. I watched him taking it all in, how he just enjoyed a sunny Monday morning, and I just felt so....in love with my littlest son.
The feeling continued this afternoon when at 3:00 I received a call from the YMCA informing me that Evan was having a "meltdown." His fingers were in his ears and he wouldn't listen to anyone. They thought he wet his pants. I was taken aback, Evan doesn't have accidents. Evan does well in new situations. I tried to explain, but it didn't matter, I needed to pick my poor son up. Since I cannot drive picking up Evan and Zack was a family affair. Husband was on a work call, so it was I who walked into the school cafeteria to retrieve my son. As soon as I entered I saw my little boy, his fingers stuck in his ears, tears in his eyes, the crotch of his pants soaked and a sad look of utter... disappointment. My heart broke at his vulnerability. All I wanted to do was rescue my little man from his fear and embarrassment and make everything alright. Once again, I was struck by just how much I love this little being.
Finally I felt my heart swell with pride as my eldest son shared his perspective about the camp experience. He told me about all of his new friends and shared details of every activity and game. He was lively, excited and so filled with energy. He makes friends with such ease, he has a natural confidence and is just so stinking smart. I could not be more proud.
So today was one of those days where my heart was overflowing with love. Hell it isn't always easy, my kids are anything but angels, but yet I am just so utterly in love.....