Disclaimer: I am well aware that I am lucky to have three healthy children. I understand that there are people everywhere who might envy me. I get that. Most of the time I feel blessed, but occasionally, I feel a sadness for what I don't have, a daughter. Occasionally that "loss" hurts, and because this is my personal blog, I am choosing to write about it here. If you don't want to hear it, you have been given fair warning....
My boys are daddy's boys, each and every one of them. They crave the rough and tumble play that he provides, and they seem to share my husband's passion for all things baseball. They are so lucky to have a father who truly enjoys tossing a ball to them for hours or spending the better part of an afternoon wrestling with them.
I have always been a "girly-girl." I prefer theater, make up, spa treatments and chatting over anything else. Sure I can enjoy an occasional baseball game (on a sunny day, with an ice cold beer), but I don't want to memorize player stats, or talk about drafts and rankings. It bores me. To tears.
Zachary now plays little league as well as soccer. Our weekends are packed with his games, practices and team parties. I enjoy watching him play, if only we could leave it at that. After a double header we will come home and dad will go out back with the boys and practice hitting, or throwing. Even my youngest gets in on the action, and while it is cute, it has grown tiresome, I want to do something else. It just doesn't seem that easy.
Sometimes I think that if I had daughters it would come more natrually. There interests might match mine, and playing with them would be easy. I could choreograph dances, dress them up in my old prom clothes, have tea parties and spa days. We might cuddle more, and sing songs together, perhaps even BOND. I am not totally naive there is no way to predict what my girls might have been like, however I truly believe they would have been more like me.
Of course I didn't have girls, and I never will, so I am going to have to find a meaningful way to be a part of my children's life, lest I remain on the sidelines or in the kitchen as I listen while my family finds joy in a game that I don't understand.
It's hard not to be bitter and jealous sometimes. My husband's dream was realized. He has three little boys to follow in his footsteps while I often feel lonely, my own interests and passions of little use.
These feelings seem to ebb and flow, this weekend they were particularly strong, I can only hope that in time they will fade so that I will find my place in this little family that I helped create.