Friday, February 1, 2013

Yes. I Drive A Minivan

Don't stare at me. I know it is taking me a ridiculously long time to parallel park this minivan. I would like to see you try it. This vehicle is like a damn boat. Big. Clunky. They do say that it drives like a car. It just doesn't park like one.

Your penetrating eyes are not making this any easier. I will not hit your sleek hybrid Prius. Promise. Even if I did, it would barely be a tap so please, just relax.

Don't wave me in. I didn't ask for your help. You are only making me more nervous. Say, do you want to try it? Keep in mind, I'll make you keep the three screaming kids in the car while you do it. A little distracting, no? A wee bit stressful.

Oh. You're judging me for my gas-guzzling van? This wasn't my idea of a dream car either buddy. But it's awfully hard to fit three car seats, groceries for five, diaper bag, emergency snacks, and a year's worth of preschool art projects in an Acura, okay?  Believe me, I wish I could. I was quiet happy zipping around in my cute white Corolla. My philosophy: small person, small car.

I feel awkward driving around in this giant behemoth of a motor vehicle. And yes, I feel a tad bit guilty that I am contributing to the demise of our environment. But seriously. I can't pull around three kids in a bike trailer all day can I? A bus is a nice option, sure, until one kid has to be at soccer in the park at 10, the other has a birthday party across town at 10:15, and you have to buy 2 gallons of milk, 2 loaves of bread, a case of diapers, 2 pounds of  chicken and 5 bottles of wine to make it through the week. *Yes. The wine is an absolute necessity. Have you met my children??

So please, please, PLEASE, can you just move along? There is nothing to see here, but a little mama, desperately attempting to park a big van, overflowing with hot wheels, orange peels and baby wipes, hoping against hope she will avoid a nervous breakdown.

Yes, I drive a minivan. Deal with it.


  1. Hey, at least you're good to carpool. We station wagon folks can't be so helpful in this regard. Plus, keeping the kids in completely separate seats where they can't assault each other as easily? I'd take a minivan any day!

  2. I totally think you should get an Escalade.

  3. Weird, but since having kids I've nearly given up on parallel parking. All the distraction, eyes on me, other parents, pressure to perform. I just cant do it anymore and it's not even a minivan. I saw an add for one that you can just press a button and it does it automatically - it must use sensors or something. Of course my children are all "That's what mum needs!" ...

  4. In my experience, driving a minivan is like having a bag of ice strapped to your testicles. It hurts a bit at first -- then you are just numb...

  5. Your longer hair makes you look SO young...too young for a minivan. :D

  6. I drive a minivan too. Funny thing, it was totally my husband's idea and he loves it way more than I do....

  7. While I'm driving, I pretend my minivan is an audi sports car. Works well if you never look back at your car after parking.