Thursday, March 8, 2012

Pity Party & My Essay: The Plan

So, I'm a little bummed out today. Okay A LOT bummed out. I didn't get in. In case you missed my post about The Audition, you can read it here. I suppose I'm not one bit surprised, true to form I didn't get the part. Remember? I never get the part. At least I am consistent! I know folks will say that I shouldn't take it personally, that I should be proud of myself for trying etc, etc. Perhaps I'm just not in the right frame to hear it. I don't want a consolation prize. I really wanted to get in. I wanted to feel I had some talent that might be appreciated by someone other than my mama.

So that's it for now, I'm done. I have to say I have a bad attitude and I'm sorry that I tried. Truth be told, the piece isn't all that great. It doesn't have the dramatic punch or comical flare that I'm sure some of my fellow bloggers nailed.

Now, instead of reading this piece for an audience, I will quietly post it on my little blog. I don't think that it translates as well on paper. It was meant to read with some expression, but thanks for reading anyway.

The Plan
I have two beautiful daughters, Violet Mae and Shayna Lily. I cannot begin to tell you how much I adore them. We are all but inseparable. Of course they each have their unique interests. Violet is rather precocious. She has a beautiful singing voice and at seven she has already performed in several productions with the children’s theater. She shows great promise. She is sassy and loves being the center of attention, just like her mama. Shayna is five and a social butterfly, one of the most popular little ladies in her pre-K class. Shayna is my budding artist, constantly painting pictures of flowers and rainbows.
I don’t spent quiet as much time with the girls as I thought I would, since I head up the recruiting department of a Fortune 500 company, but we have the weekends. On Saturdays and Sundays we have tea parties, spa days and we bake wholesome meals together. Sometimes it is hard to balance it all, but I am blessed to have a fabulous nanny and a housekeeper. Without their help I would have no chance at maintaining our historic Victorian home.
It’s a beautiful life. It’s just not my life. Rather it is the way that I intended for my life to be. Life didn’t go exactly how I planned.
To begin with there is no Violet Mae or Shayna Lily. Instead I have a Zachary, an Evan and a Julian. That’s right. Three. Three boys. The first ultrasound was a shock. A penis? My heart sank. A penis wasn’t part of my plan. Of course eventually I adjusted, and since I knew that I would be having two children, I still had one more chance for a daughter.
The second ultrasound was a devastation. When the technician announced the appearance of yet another penis I began to blink back tears. “You’re so happy!” the tech beamed, and I cried harder. By the time I called my mother from the parking lot I was full on sobbing. Big, fat, sloppy tears. My mother thought that I had lost the baby. “Not the baby” I cried dramatically “but the dream.”
The third ultrasound wasn’t even supposed to happen, because in my plan there were two babies, never three. However, by now I began to realize that my plan had very little to do with reality. At least by ultrasound number three, I had no expectations, and when I learned of the third penis joining our family, I merely chuckled.
My boys are now 6, 3 and 8 months. Believe me when I tell you that there are not a lot of tea parties at the Kargas home. Instead we have epic battles, car races and wrestling matches. My sons have no interest in my cabbage patch dolls or the various Hello Kitty paraphernalia that I have saved over the years. No, instead their room is cluttered with images of the hideous, obnoxious, diabolical SpongeBob SquarePants. Instead of flowers and butterflies adorning our refrigerator I have crude drawings of pirates and Captain Underpants. Why do girls get adorable kittens and baby dolls while boys seem to be drawn to smart-ass, bug eyed bottom dwellers?
Life is not what I expected.
That fancy job I planned on holding? I am Head of Operations & Human Resources at Kargas Inc. I over see Facilities, Employee Relations, Meal Production, Inventory & Logistics for an organization of five. That’s right; I’m a Stay-At-Home-Mom.
No, Life is not what I expected. Am I disappointed? Honestly, yes, sometimes. But let’s be realistic. Violet and Shayna probably would have turned out to be bitches, or at the very least tom boys. I might very well have been laid off from my fancy corporate job, forcing me to fire my fabulous nanny.
The fact is life doesn’t care about our plans, and thus we need to embrace what we are given. I am lucky. I have been gifted a life far better than most. Three noisy, naughty, entirely lovable, healthy little boys. A husband who is not only my best friend but who is also worthy of any father-of-the-year award. An income that allows me to stay home and work the hardest, most important job that I have ever held. Things are not always easy, and I have had to adjust to a life I didn’t fully expect. But I am happy, and perhaps that should have been the only plan all along.


  1. I just found your blog comment hopping from Feed Five and I have to say, this is the best post I have read all day. I am a momma to boys too (and always thought I would have girls), they are crazy, but man do they know their way to a Mom's heart, even if I dont think I can handle the Thomas theme song one.more.time.

    1. Oh thanks so much. I needed to hear that today!

  2. With mothers who have experienced both sons and daughters I have this conversation all the time: no one can love a mother more unconditionally and without complication than a son. I too had 'planned' two daughters and I thank the heavens everyday that plan went awry :)

  3. Couldnt find your email on your profile and you are a non-reply commentor. My dress was actually from Macys a few years ago, probably around the time you found yours. It is one of those things that works every year in my closet!

    1. Opps, hope I didn't insult you with the Forever21 comment then! ;)

  4. I LOVED THIS!!!!! This piece is so raw, honest, and heartfelt. I think every single person can relate to having a vision and then the reality of their life. Only when we embrace how things "weren't supposed to be" can we truly find joy. I loved, loved, loved it!!!

  5. Just read your essay and quote yourself. " I am happy ......"

  6. sorry you didn;t get the part. But- keep at it! That's what you would say to your boys, right?;)

  7. I didn't get in either. Rejection sucks! I have mixed feelings about the experience. I am planning to use my piece in an essay contest, so I can't publish it yet, but I will eventually.

  8. Hey I have one boy (dream child... no worries...cruisey.... again I say dream child)... and I have one girl (*GULP* ... madam...sassy...moody....squealy....full on.... attention seeking....annoying....but pretty cute thank heavens!) Let me just say... if we had had our daughter first, perhaps we would have stayed a one-child family!!! hahaha.. she would scare anyone off of girls!!

    Loved this post! ;)

  9. This part of the experience was an emotional blow for us as well. Slim consolation, I know - but our hearts were sunk way low over the past few days. Like you, I've never been in a play and the only time I tried to read my own work out loud I wasn't chosen. So I shifted my priorities and tried something different and was rewarded with something I didn't even know I wanted.

    You are talented and we just loved meeting you and I am filled with confidence that you will be rewarded too. Maybe not in the way you intended?

  10. You gave it a to get your hopes up and be dashed like that....but Life sometimes has others plans....
    We're glad you are here, though!

  11. I really enjoyed your piece Rachel. It's witty and honest and relatable. Especially loved this line:

    Why do girls get adorable kittens and baby dolls while boys seem to be drawn to smart-ass, bug eyed bottom dwellers?