Sunday, March 18, 2012

I miss that girl.

I haven't been on this blog for nearly a week. I have thought of a few topics to write about and yet, I haven't been inspired. I've been thinking. The days have been grey, cold and rainy here in Oakland. Earlier this week as I was pushing Julian in the stroller on a misty morning, I felt such a wave of nostalgia. Twenty years ago I would spend cold days such as this one tucked in a tiny coffee shop on State Street. I would sit at a table in the back away from the drafty front door. There, I laid my books out in front of me and studied feverishly for hours while nursing a cup of black tea. I was intense about my studies, and it showed. In 1996 I left UW with a 3.98 grade point average. I earned every damn A I received and it felt amazing.

Not only was I a serious student, I was disciplined in other ways. I ran every single day, sometimes twice, and I had the muscular legs to show for it. (Which I did, frequently, I wasn't shy about "rocking" a mini-skirt.) I was smart about money. I kept my checkbook balanced, I waitressed several times a week at the local spaghetti house and I never spent beyond my means. I partied once a week, usually drinking enough vodka lemonades and cheap beer to give me a hangover, but I would still get up and study. I was determined.

I miss that girl. These days I find that my greatest accomplishment is often getting out of bed in the morning and making it through the day. Feeding, entertaining, washing and cleaning up after the boys seem to be all that I can manage. I have traded mini skirts and heals for my jeans and sensible shoes uniform.The ambitious, pretty, organized girl seems to have completely vanished. My home is chaos, no longer neat and orderly. I now run infrequently, and usually strive for "good enough", rather than perfection. Even my work on this blog illustrates a lack of concentration and effort. My posts are often hastily put together, and I pay little attention to grammar and tone. In some ways, I've lost the parts of myself that I liked the best.

I have spent the past week pouring through old pictures. I see the young woman I once was, surrounded by my friends, so many awesome friends. I miss my friends, and I miss that girl. I miss that girl. I know I can't get her back completely. Beauty fades. Without plastic surgery I'm never getting all of that back again. But there are other things that are fully in my control. As corny as it sounds, I need to get some of "me" back. I need to find my ambition and determination once again. Perhaps it won't be in the form of a career or studies, it may just be something as simple as a better blog, a refreshed wardrobe and new jogging routine. I'm thinking. Just thinking. I haven't figured it out yet.


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  2. middle age is mother calls it the lost years...the years that 99.6% of our time is dictated by our kids and .3% by others....that .1% left for "me time" is a far cry away from what was.....those years that fly by and drag by all at the time...the good have a great family and friend that love you...
    and "that girl" is still there...older and wiser

  3. You sound a heck of a lot more "together" than I ever was...I was cute and always had a boy waiting in the wings, didn't have to worry about saying yes to dessert, sex on the sink counter or another free drink....

    ...but, I was clueless...
    Thank goodness I'm not THAT girl anymore....haha! I'd like to still be cute and enjoy my dessert, but I count teaching my daughter to not be like I once was an important task...
    Just like teaching your boys all the things that you once were is...

    ....and those things are attainable again....little by little, we will reclaim those bits we enjoyed most :)

  4. Well I could comment in agreement with you until the cows come home.....but I'm gonna leave it at "I totally hear you sister... I hear ya!!!"


  5. You are forgetting the angst we all go through at that sge. Not anything i would want to relive. Trying to be perfect is a killer. It is not achievable and makes us constantly unhappy with what and who ho we are. I know, eye roll!

  6. If you find That Girl ask her if she has seen My Girl, too. She's been MIA for about 4 years now!

  7. Now that my kids are older, I finally feel like I'm getting some of the old me back little by little. It's kind of fun re-inventing her! Loved the pictures this weekend, a nice walk down memory lane! Wish we could get together again for a visit and practice bringing back our old me's. :)

  8. None of us have figured it out. I hear the honesty in your words and I think you you need to let go while appreciating the past but also like you said find and hold on to the great qualities you are able to.

    Maybe like you said a blog and wardrobe makeover will leave you feeling refreshed and invigorated.

  9. Oh man, I hear you. I think back to how much I was able to accomplish in college, pre-kids.. I also ran every day, got good grades, was social, and was actually well-rested.
    But, even those these days my mental to-do list often includes showering, brushing my teeth, and walking the dogs (and if I do all 3 it is amazing).. I still wouldn't trade them for the world.
    You are doing the hardest job in the world (times 3!) so even though you feel like you are just squeaking by, you are still the perfect you. And even though I just said that to you, I still need to make myself believe it!

  10. Went to a cousin's 21st on the weekend. Cousin and friends looked so young and gorgeous (OMG the boys!!!). seems like only yesterday I was doing the whole 21 thing. As my sister and I eyed the youthful gorgeousness she said "I still wouldn't go back, all that insecurity...." That got me thinking. Maybe I prefer this girl. Oh and I agree with Little Sister -the time comes for reinvention - maybe when the youngest starts schoo -l and thats a really cool time :)