Monday, April 8, 2013

Kargas Inc: Letter to the staff.

Dear Staff,

Recently I have been fielding many questions about staffing at Kargas Inc. I feel the need to address these issues and make it very clear where the executive team stands on headcount and succession planning.

It is with great sadness that I must acknowledge the loss of one our beloved administrative team members, Flanders. While I recognize that he was a valued member of the Kargas Inc family, we have made the executive decision not to replace his position. Since Flander's sad departure we have come to realize that our organization is functioning very well without him. We appreciate your suggestions and referrals for his replacements. While a gerbil, bunny, or lizard would bring some members of the team great joy, we have determined that the extra headcount and overhead is not in the company's best interest.

In the coming months we will be recognizing two staff members anniversaries. The end of May will mark Julian's two year anniversary and on June 12 we will celebrate Evan's fifth year with the company. Congratulations to both of you, we are pleased that you have made it this far. While we will mark the occasion with celebratory cake and bonuses (in form of fabulous prizes via Target), we need to be clear that the company will not be promoting any staff members this year.

Kargas Inc is in a hiring and promotions freeze and we expect this to to last indefinitely, or at least until staff members are able to transport, feed, bath and go to the bathroom by themselves. Promotions will be given only to employees who become self-sufficient and contribute to the health of this organization. By that we mean that staff must do more than brush their own teeth and ask nicely for milk. We appreciate your understanding and cooperation in this matter.

Additionally, although there have been several (hundrad) requests to celebrate anniversaries and milestones at Chuck E. Cheese, we are sad to say that Kargas Inc. no longer has a contract with the restaurant and will need to seek out other venues for company parties.

Thank you for your continued support.



  1. does this mean no Chuck E Cheese (aka Hell) party?? How did you convince Evan of this?! Just catching up on your blog and you are so funny! Can't wait to see you do your half-marathon--Go Rach Go!

  2. I think I need to send out a memo to my staff as well. They are just not adhering to deadlines.

  3. I'm sure this will be highly effective. At least it will be as quickly ignored as all the other memos. :-)