Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Beating Myself Up

I almost killed my baby. I'm not kidding. Maybe exaggerating a little bit, but I think I have the right. I dropped Julian. On his face. On the hard cold pavement of the driveway. It happened in slow motion, only I don't remember much of it, because it all boiled down to Julian is on the ground and may be really hurt. But he wasn't. He had a small red bruise on his forehead and was just fine. He cried for a few minutes, but got over it quickly.
I was shook up. How did I let him go? Isn't a mother's instinct suppose to be to care for her child first? How did I let him go? How? How? How?
I did hurt my ankle. It crept up on me over the rest of day, eventually driving me to the doctors for an xray. It isn't broken, but sprained. It's swollen and painful and has left me somewhat helpless. I would have felt better however if it were broken. A broken ankle seems more official. If I had a broken ankle that would almost justify dropping the baby, right? I know it is a convoluted equation that I have created. Silly.
And now here I sit, in a house by myself. The boys are with a babysitter, and I have been home all day with my ankle on ice watching bad TV. Of course this actually seems like a reward. How often do I have a day all to myself without having to do a single damn thing?
So now I feel guilty on top of it all. I am getting rewarded for being a klutz who dropped my eight month old!
Okay I'll stop now.


  1. Ouch- your ankle looks painful- Don't worry about dropping your baby- in fact you should make sure you erase this post before he can read and just pretend it never happened.

  2. That reminds me of how I had my 9 mnth old daughter on the bed with me one day and turned my head for a fraction of a second and she rolled of head first onto the floor. She wasn't hurt but that didn't stop me taking her straight to emergency (I was a new mum at the time). I feel for you - what a haunting memory. Thank god babies are resilient!!!!

  3. Feel better. I can't even say here what I did because I'm still mortified over it, so know that you not only shouldn't be ashamed but you should be proud of yourself for your honesty. It's so hard to do everything right!

  4. Oh I am so sorry. Whenever moms are hurt that aspirin jingle comes into my head "I haven't got time for the pain".

    And if you want to make yourself feel better about your accident look under my 'favorites' for a post titled "The ultimate kitchen catastrophe", it's pretty cringe worthy.

  5. Owww... that ankle looks like it hurts. I can understand your guilt, but I have been there before too, we all have! Phoebe fell off of our super-tall bed a few months back. Boy, I felt like a stellar mom after that one. Accidents happen, and even if we are trying are very best to avoid them, we can't always.... So, glad to hear that he is OK. And, a day of rest is exactly what you deserve!!

  6. Yikes, Rachel! I am so glad that Julian came through this as well as he did, and very sorry to hear of your injury. Erica filled me in. Please call--I can't reach you by phone. I have stories I can share with you about your Uncle David and about you too.



  7. oh you poor thing. i can TOTALLY understand. i would feel the exact same way. a week or two ago i had both the boys in the car with me and made a really STUPID driving mistake. just was't paying attention (one was crying, i was late, just left a store that was closed and meant to be opened so i was trying to quickly come up with plan b, had a friend in the car who was talking about her childhood, AND it was raining). there was just TOO much going on in that tiny little car. but even still, my mistake was just plain careless. i almost got us hit. and of course i burst into tears feeling incredibly guilty since it was my fault. everyone was fine, but my guilt was CRUSHING. unlike yours it wasn't just an accident, mine was carelessness. of course i felt horrible for that. anyway, long-winded, i know! all that to say, different story but i can so relate. i'm sure every mom can. i suppose we're only humane and mistakes and accidents are bound to happen. but can they just happen without our children being involved???! ahhhhh.......