Friday, November 19, 2010

Now that the cat's out of the bag

Now that I have announced my big news, I can post some things that I wrote at the very begining of my pregnancy.....

This is a post I will not be able to make public for some time. At least six long weeks anyway....
Only a few days ago, life was normal. We had a nice routine going, a rhythm. It all changed with a "positive" sign. A pregnancy test. A possible baby. I was home alone when I took the test. I had a bad neck and decided I could not make the trip to Sacramento with my family. I got a deep tissue massage and took a 2 hour nap. The sun seemed brighter. Something was different. I did the "deed" and took the test, leaving it resting on the bathroom counter. I took a long hot shower, thinking about the possible result, willing myself to stay in the warm mist of not knowing for a few more minutes. I stepped out of the shower wrapped a towel around my sore body and looked down at the counter. PREGNANT. My heartbeat quickened. My first reaction... excitement, joy, disbelief. I could not wait for my husband to return home so I could share the news. But I guarded myself, due to a haunting memory. When the husband and I were trying to conceive our second child, we had months and months of fertility treatments. Then one day I took a Clear Blue Easy test, and holy cow it was positive. I was ecstatic. I called all my closest family and friends to tell them the news, throwing caution to the wind. Everyone knew we were trying anyway. That night I could hardly sleep. My head was busy contemplating potential baby names and due dates. The next morning my joy came to a screeching halt when another, then another, then another test came back negative. Who gets a false positive? I do. But it was unheard of. Yet it happened, and as silly as it may seem I was devastated.

But it was different this time. I took two additional tests after the first positive, both with the same result. So it is true I am pregnant. My husband and I were in a state of shock for the first day. We giggled at the prospect of a mini-van and maybe, just maybe a girl.

But now here I am with a few more days to digest it all, and what I am left with is cold fear. A close girlfriend just miscarried. She was a few weeks ahead of me. I know that I could share the same fate. And if everything (God willing) turns out, then I will have three babies. Three. I never planned on three. Now let me state this for the record, we were not completely surprised by the pregnancy, we knew that we were playing with fire, and yet I guess I didn't quite expect it. Now I am here trying to envision my new life, and there is so much uncertainty. Where will we live? This house is so small. Will I ever get any me time again? I was really enjoying my evenings out with new girlfriends. How will we pay for college for three kids? No more shopping for mama. What will my body look like after three pregnancies? I have a feeling I am going to be asking for a tummy tuck every Christmas....

So right now, I am feeling quite afraid, afraid for the baby as I am with each pregnancy, because ultimately above all else I want this baby, and I want it healthy. And I am afraid of what my life might look like for the next few years. And you know the one thing that might help in a situation like this? A glass of wine. But like the ibuprofen I desperately wish I could take for the never ending spasm in my neck, alcohol is off limits. That is just plain cruel isn't it?


  1. When I finally decided that I wanted to have a child, I was a bit cautious. I never really considered myself a kid type of person. However, I knew that I wanted a shot at this parent thing. So I decided that the best way to overcome some of my fears was to take life one day at a time. Were that I was still taking my own advice. Still, I think that's the best way sometimes to get through all the worries. Just focus on the here and now.

  2. Congratulations!! I am sending healthy and happy thoughts your way!

  3. Congratulations! What great news!

    Your contemplations reminded me of my husband when we got the call from our fertility doctor's office that our surgery was successful and I was pregnant with #2 - we rejoiced for several minutes and then he immediately began to worry about paying for college!

  4. congratulations! your post just gave me chills. i guess that there is more anxiety after the first baby. you know what you are in for - the good, the bad and the ugly. but it's mostly good (: what happy news - can't wait to read about your pregnancy!! we ourselves are contemplating baby #2 but are scared ****less!