Saturday, October 25, 2014

What To Expect: Seymour You're Doing It Wrong!

What To Expect When You Are A 40 Year Old Mother Of Three School Aged Boys

Dear Moms (No. You are no longer a mommy. You will never be a mommy again.),

 You no longer have the time to read a full book about parenting while lovingly patting your nice round belly and dreaming of the new life inside.  You no longer have naps. You have been told that plopping your kids in front of electronic devices is a cardinal sin for which you will burn in a fiery hell infested with SpongeBob and very sharp Lego pieces strategically placed to meet your barefoot at 5 o'clock in the morning. With your busy lifestyle, I thought it would be best to simply break life down into bullet points, something you can skim as you single-handedly  whip up three PBJs (one hold the jelly, add honey, one crusts removed light peanut butter and one cut into quarters) while creating a clever Pinterst worthy science project due tomorrow. So here you have it, what to expect when you are a 40-something mother of three school aged boys: 

  • Random strangers will stop telling you how adorable your children are, and if they do, you should be afraid. No seriously back away from the creepy pedophile-child abductor and flee.
  • Worried about your social calendar? Don't be! It will be booked solid for the foreseeable future with school fundraisers, soccer games, school fundraisers, baseball games, school fundraisers, basketball games, school fundraisers, birthday parties and hey, did I mention, school fundraisers?
  • You will now actually have to actively budget for birthday party gifts and.... school fundraisers. 
  • Yes! You will still get me-time, have no fear.  It's called, the dentist, the gyno, cleaning the bathrooms*, a mammogram and maybe, just maybe, a haircut.
  • *Clean & bathroom are two words that will actually never be uttered (honestly) again. 
  • You will be stumped, on a regular basis by your third graders math homework. 
  • You may find yourself horrified when your six year old asks, upon seeing your naked belly if he is going to have a new brother. 
  • You will smile when you hear "Hi Zack's Mom" and cringe when you here "Mam" far more often than you would like. 
  • You will still get plenty of free parenting advice, don't worry! Nobody will be shy about telling you what you are doing wrong and how you are permanently damaging your offspring with  too much sugar, glutton, rules, lack of discipline, over protection, coddling, swearing, PG movies, processed food and.... you get the point. Seymour, You're doing it wrong! (Random Simpsons reference for you fans.) 
  • You will feel guilty on a daily basis for your lack of participation in the PTA, unless you are in the PTA, in which case you will feel resented on a daily basis by non-participating parents who believe you should "get a life." 
  • You might contemplate getting a bumper sticker, like "soccer mom" or "proud parent of an honor role student" and then you will be overcome with an overwhelming disgust for yourself.
  • You are totally accustomed to seeing a pair of dirty underwear on your coffee table or a naked butt on the sofa. 
  • You are reminded on at least a weekly basis that you do not in fact have a penis, but a "gina", and this is regarded as an utter tragedy. 
  • You see your grocery bill skyrocketing, realizing that it is only going to get worse and worse and you wonder how the the Pilgrims did it without Walmart. 

I could go on, and perhaps there will be a second edition of What to Expect, but it's 9:30 on a Saturday night, and I'm a 40 year old mom of three school aged boys, and I need get to bed...... 


  1. I love every word of this. So true, even with one boy and a girl. I couldn't imagine trying to balance a third!

  2. Hilarious! Can't wait (???) to experience all these fun things. HA. :)