Bravo T.V.: Better for you then heroin.

God damn Bravo TV. I love that freaking station. I am mesmerized by their programming. Million Dollar Matchmaker, Million Dollar Listing and The Real Housewives, these are my all time favorites. Thought provoking? No. Educational? No. Heart-felt? No. None of the above. It's all pure garbage designed to make us regular folk feel inadequate. And I eat it up. I'm addicted. When I want to turn the brain off, I turn to Bravo. Bless them.

Million Dollar Listing: I should not enjoy this program. When I watch these young whipper-snapper real estate agents earning a $500,000 commission on a home sale I feel jealous. When I see the immaculate, gigantic homes that they represent, I feel disgusted. Disgusted at the ridiculous display of wealth. 8,000 square feet? 7 bathrooms? 2 pools? A bowling ally?  Really? The owners should give a few million to charity and move into something more modest. Then I look closely at the beautiful furniture, the spotless immaculate rooms, nothing out of place, no silly knick-knacks that don't match. No dust bunnies, not random socks covering the closet floors, and I feel disgusted by my own pathetic home. My filthy, cluttered, unorganized home with all of the worn furniture and I want to scream into the television set "It's not fair!" Nobody makes me watch this program, yet I do. Oh, yes I do. Again, and again.

Million Dollar Matchmaker: There are so many reasons to hate this program. #1: Old, ugly rich men with thick wallets demanding 22 year old playboy models for "soul mates." Nauseated much? #2: First dates that involve helicopter rides, private dining rooms and caviar. OMG. That is so my life! The Hubs and I are always whisking away to Vegas in our private jet! #3) Patty critiquing the potential dates by insulting women who are too old, too fat or just not hot enough. Patty, take a look in the mirror! You are not doing any of us any favors. Who can live up to your freaking standards? Not even you!!! Stupid show. And so very fabulous.

The Real Housewives: I don't care what season or what city it's all the same. Cat fights, fake boobs, tummy tucks, designer clothing, ridiculous parties, expensive jewelry and fantasy vacations. One of their birthday celebrations is worth more than I can earn in a year. They are shallow, nasty bitches and they are so much fun to watch! And who can resist the ever charismatic Andy Cohen? I totally want to grab a cosmo with him! Sure, watching these housewives makes me feel like an unattractive bag lady with my highly unglamorous Old Navy wardrobe, but I can't turn it off and you can't make me.

What should I be watching? PBS? CNN? Nothing at all? Right. I should probably be reading. Cleaning. Doing something to better myself. But no, it's so much more fun to sit on my butt and get mad. Right?

Well. It's better for me than heroin. So there is that.