My last few posts have been a bit on the melancholy side. Today, the bad mood continues, so I'll make the best of it with....
"People I Want To Punch In The Face"
1. My kids. Yes, I realize that this is highly in-politically correct, so please keep in mind that I have refrained from acting upon these impulses. Read yesterday's post and you will understand just why I have thought about inflicting corporal punishment on my children. It is because they are insane. Freaking insane.
2. Facebook braggers. You know who you are. "Look at me! I'm so accomplished!" "I'm the same age as you and I run my own company and drive a BMW, look like a super model and take fabulous international vacations!" Can you shut up for one minute and post something a little less self-promotional? How about "I served my kids leftover mac & cheese for breakfast and I was rude to the nanny." That would probably be just as accurate. Bitter much? Yes, thank you I am today.
3. Flanders. My damn cat again. That poor thing has 9 plus lives. He should have been dead a long time ago, and yet he lives on, and on, and on. Vomiting on every piece of upholstered furniture I own. He particularly likes our bed. Nothing like waking up to a pile of cat puke on your pillow. Flanders, dear feline, I mean this in the nicest way possible...WILL YOU PLEASE DIE ALREADY? Thank you.
I could go on. Basically everyone should be on look out for my cyber- fist today. I'm in a bad place this week. I'll post something happier another day. Maybe.
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I am probably a very bad person and a very bad friend, because I found that to be very, very funny. If it helps, I have always been amazed by your calmness and patience with your energetic brood. I almost lost it with my one little whiny toddler today, I don't know how you do it with three. You are amazing!!
ReplyDeleteI have a 13 year old cat that has bladder issues. I feel the same way!
ReplyDeleteAhahahahahahah! This is so funny. I am not trying to laugh at your misery, but it should cheer you up to know that you are a great writer and a hilarious one at that. Facebook braggers are the WORST! I hate it when people feel the need to update their statuses to include every freaking thing they accomplished that day, like "Ran a marathon, Came home, cooked a three course meal, and now I'm alphabetizing my spices!" Awesome. Good for you. Delete friend. Hmmm. I sense a blog post coming on. Can I rant about facebook braggers on my blog too? Will you then write a post about blog idea-stealers, and how you want to punch them in the face? ;)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I need to be friends with the above commenter, since she's hilarious. Second, dude - I hear you about the cat. My two f'ing cats are 14. They shed in clumps, vomit on everything I own, stalk me for chicken while I'm making dinner, and scratch and bite my kids. DIE ALREADY.
ReplyDeleteI find that I want to punch everyone in my vicinity lately. Time for drugs?
Hide the FB braggers. Seriously. They're not worth reading. Oh, and thanks for the reminder that cats never die. Because somehow I have become the proud owner of THREE. Yes, THREE FREAKING CATS THAT ARE IN MY HOUSE. Brought home by my teen daughter. Who, yes, I would like to punch in the face because WHY WOULD YOU BRING HOME CATS?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DOn't get me started. Actually, now I need a drink. Where's the wine??
ReplyDeleteMy cats waited to die until after we spent thousands of dollars on their medical care, ruined carpets and one case of cellulitis (mine) after I rescued the damn cat from getting her paw caught in a door and she sank her filthy teeth into my hand. I do not have any more cats, just new furniture.
ReplyDeleteFunniest post ever! Please die cat! Funniest comments ever! Yes, what's with the FB braggers (if your life is that great why are you always on Face Book?). And whats with the vomiting cats? WE had my mother in laws cat for 6 weeks and in that time she cost $380 in vet fees which we could not afford but paid anyway and left me forever resenting my sister in law who said she would reimburse us but never did. Wow - you should really set up a space for your followers to vent their spleens - I feel so much better already!
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