Tuesday, November 11, 2014

BravoTV-My sad addiction

I had big plans for my recovery. While resting my bum ankle  I was going to read! I was going to blog! I would email old friends! Do upper body workouts, play board games, take up the art of some sort of Zen meditation... you get the idea.

 But instead.

Instead I have become addicted to Bravo TV. God damn Bravo TV. The Real Housewives, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Top Chef, The gay-house flipping dude, Andy Cohen drinking cocktails.  Yes, I used to be a sucker for all of that crap, until a little over twelve months ago... I quit, cold turkey.  No more hours spent mindlessly munching pretzels and watching botoxed, rich bitches throw cocktails in each other's faces as they launch over priced jewelry and handbag lines. Gone were my days of drooling while watching an always slim Padma devour  coulis, duck three ways, bacon foam, pickled pineapples and tofu emulsions.  No! I had evolved, I had moved on to mindlessly drinking wine while perusing Yahoo! News for the latest up-to-date information on Amanda Bynes Twitter feed and Rob Kardashian's emotional breakdown. I had overcome my obsession with all things Bravo. 

Until now that is.  Five days ago I found myself in a drug induced haze as I sat on my sofa recovering from a minor ankle surgery. Last April, on what may very well be my last jog ever, I broke my right ankle. Snap. Yes I heard it. And all these months later it appears that the stubborn bone didn't want to heal so a surgeon put a big old screw in that ankle to (hopefully) force a fusion. It's minor outpatient surgery. I have a fairly high pain tolerance and I expected an easy, if perhaps inconvenient recovery.  Well folks I spent five days in misery, mostly suffering side affects from general anesthesia, which apparently does not agree with me.  I will spare you the details and leave it at this: I was in no mood to read, blog, exercise, eat, drink, or do anything but sleep and.... the next best thing. Bravo TV. 

Sweet, comforting Bravo TV. And how it has changed since my former obsession... it's gotten even better!

Patti Stanger: 50-something and HOT

I started with Millionaire Matchmaker. First off, I'm obsessed with Patti Stanger. She is abrasive  full of herself, crass for the purpose of being crass and I freaking love her. I love the way she puts cocky rich-past-their prime dudes in their place, telling them that their money can buy them a 22 year old playboy bunny but not a relationship.  I love the way she tells her employees that she can fire them at anytime (it's got to be great for ratings, but she comes off as a total bitch!)  And she looks effing AMAZING. She is in her mid 50's and she is stunning... so much hotter than she was when I last tuned in. Yes. I realize. Plastic surgery and weight loss, but I'm going to give the girl some credit..she has good people, damn good people.

What else? I love watching these millionaires go on dates. Now it's true, I don't go on dates. In fact I seemed to skip the whole adult dating scene altogether, however I am quite sure that if I were dating right now, I would not be invited on first dates that require a wardrobe change, involve private cooking lessons, helicopter rides or going to a venue that has been rented out for the soul purpose of my hook-up. And there is no way in hell I would be good about sticking to Patti's two drink maximum rule. Hell, Patti, have you not watched the Real Housewives? Get some rich people drunk and watch the fur fly... RATINGS.

There so pretty it hurts my eyes
Next up: Vanderpump Rules. Oh hell yeah.  Now I had never watched this one before, its a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills spin off- featuring restaurateur, Lisa Vanderpump and her super sexified staff at the uber trendy SUR.  First rule of employment at SUR- you have to be an aspiring model. Second rule of employment at SUR-you have to have the maturity of a 6th grader. Third rule of employment at SUR- You have to be so self involved that you think that your sexual escapades, cat fighting and birthday parties are important enough that they should be televised.  Fourth rule of employment at SUR-you have to have sex with a lot of crazy good looking people and than cry about it. If you haven't watched Vanderpump Rules and you are looking to laugh your ass off at other people's "problems" for the love of God tune in!

Right Padma, I totally believe you are a foodie
Lastly Top Chef Boston.  I used to watch all of the Top Chef seasons, but of course over the past year on my Bravo hiatus, I haven't tuned in . Not much has changed it's still as Awesome (bur blanc) sauce as can be! The cast this season is entertaining. Padma is still stuck up and gorgeous.  I love that Blais is judging, he was so darn likable as a contestant all those seasons ago. Aaron is like the "Puck" of Top Chef Boston. He is a cocky arrogant, punk, who was just recently arrested for domestic violence Awesome (bur blanc) sauce (can I use that joke again?) It's fun watching Aaron fight with pretty Chef Keriann, a mom who happens to swear like a sailor (love her!) and Chef Katsuji, an owner of a Kosher Mexican restaurant (I'm not Kosher, but Jewish so I think this is pretty stinking cool.) Thus, along with all the impossibly complicated recipes that I will never attempt I can also wait in anxious anticipation for an actual fist fight to break out. Nah. Top Chef is too classy for that, this isn't Hell's Kitchen.

Okay. Well I have wasted enough of my precious television time. I have to get caught up on Manzod With Children.  Can't wait to see what that feisty bunch is up to.

Save me.

Me. Because there are too many beautiful people on this post. I'm at the gym. Watching TV.

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