Weak.

So beware, this post will likely be a bit of a self pity party, but sometimes you need to mourn your "loss" before you can move on.

Not too long ago I wrote a post "Mama is Strong & Fast" It was while I was in the heart of my half -marathon training and I was also hitting the gym for "body pump" 2-3 times per week. I thought I was in the best shape of my life. The half marathon came and went. I continued to run and felt good. Then life got in the way.  A cross country move, an injury and two months later I am finally getting back into my grove. Or so I thought.

It started with a pain in my left knee two weeks ago during a five mile run. It wasn't terrible but it was there. I continued to run, it continued to hurt. I made it 6.5 miles last Sunday and was feeling like maybe this half marathon in October could happen. But the pain was still there and I decided to consult my sports med doctor.

My appointment was yesterday. I was expecting him to recommend strengthening exercises and ice. Instead he told me to Stop. Running. After having me do some exercises and observing my body the doctor's conclusion was that I am way too weak to run. WEAK. He told me that while my quads were in good shape they were doing all the heavy lifting. My hips and core are not strong enough, thus my form is bad and putting too much pressure on my knee, which he warned would likely result in a stress fracture if I kept down the path I was...running.

The tears came quickly. My face grew hot. I was sad. I was angry. "You knew this didn't you?" the doctor asked. I shook my head no. I thought I was stronger than I am. I thought that since I had completed 13.1 in under two hours I was a freaking rock star. I was solid. I am not. I am weak. WEAK. I hate that word. I have for the better part of my life always been physically weak. The girl who can't lift her luggage into the overhead compartment, the girl who can't do a push up, the girl who can't take care of herself. I am not sure if the doctor knew just how much that word stung.

And so the end result is that I am to go to physical therapy and lay off running for some time. He wants me to gain muscle and possibly weight. He advised that I would not be ready for an October distance race. He said if I can bulk up and get strong I just may get there again someday. Someday.

So it's in my hands. Will I do what I need to in order to be what I want to be? Will I be able to transform my body into that of a strong, solid woman? Or will I give in to the past and be who I have always been. Physically incapable. Weak.