Kargas Inc, Code of Conduct

Kargas Inc Code Of Conduct. 

Dear Kargas Inc Employees,

Thank for your time at our last all staff.  Based on the fact that several employees were shoving fingers in their ears while humming "I can't hear you" and no noticeable changes have resulted from our meeting I am concerned that my points did not come across.  In an effort to be very clear about company expectations I have created a Code Of Conduct.  I expect you to read these over until committed to memory. For staff members who are unable to read, we are working on an animated tutorial featuring Spongebob, Dora and Bart Simpson.  

1. In this company all staff members deserve to be treated with respect.  From this point forward if I witness name calling, physical threats, door slamming or eye rolling, I will take a 30 minute break in my personal office with a bottle of wine.  
2. Regarding our company's eating areas, it is imperative that all staff members wear pants to meals.  In addition, as you know the restroom is located directly adjacent to the common eating area.  It is required that you close the door when using the facility. 
3. While we here at Kargas Inc appreciate artistic expression it is not acceptable to carve tick-tack-toe games into fine furniture, or to use permanent marker on clothing, walls, body parts, floors, furniture or bedding.
4. In order to reduce the risk of a rat infestation we request that you do not leave cups of milk or half eaten sandwiches in hidden places throughout the facility.  
5. Please remember that I am the CEO of this company, not Stupid-Idiot-Jerk-Snot-Butt-Fart. Please call me "Mom" "Boss" or "Our Queen." 
6. Our current finances due not allow for us to hire an entire kitchen staff.  Thus, we will require you eat the meal that is provided. We assure you that you will not die from the consumption of lasagna, vegetable soup or chicken teriyaki. While senior leadership do not possess culinary degrees, we are trained in food safety and we have yet to kill anyone with our cooking. 
7. Please take pride in your environment.  Office space and furnishings are expensive.  Please refrain from destroying company property whenever possible. We realize that our big screen tv was recently "accidentally" smashed when a Wii controller was inadvertently hurled at it after a lost game of Super Mario Brothers Galaxy, but please, please lets have fewer accidents.  

Please note that this list is fluid and we reserve the right to continually amend and add to our code of conduct.   

Thank you for your time. 

With Little Hope Of Real Change,

Mom, CEO, Queen, Boss.

Kargas Inc. CEO "Shocked" that she can't terminate herself.

Kargas Inc CEO, Rachel Kargas, whom we previously reported was going crazy, issued a statement yesterday that she was "shocked" at her inability to fire herself.

 In an unprecedented move, Ms Kargas, referred to affectionately by employees as "mom"  tried to terminate herself for cause when she was informed by the company's CFO and Board of Directors that she was unable to do so. A shocked Ms Kargas released the following statement:

"Look at this organization. It's falling apart. I am failing as your leader, I haven't come up with a creative craft, produced a meal that resembles a clown, boat or smiley face or successfully broken up a fight in months. Clearly I am not fit to be your CEO. I can hardly keep myself properly groomed."  Ms. Kargas  did appear disheveled for her interview.

Apparently it is impossible for Ms. Kargas to fire herself from the organization, and in fact their are legal implications should she simply abandon her small company. Ms. Kargas was also informed that she is under a binding contract through 2029 and cannot quit her position until it expires.

Thus, even if the CEO is having difficulties fulfilling her duties (employees report backlogs of laundry, and a frequently barren refrigerator) it looks as if she is with Kargas Inc for long-haul.

Kargas Inc: Letter to the staff.

Dear Staff,

Recently I have been fielding many questions about staffing at Kargas Inc. I feel the need to address these issues and make it very clear where the executive team stands on headcount and succession planning.

It is with great sadness that I must acknowledge the loss of one our beloved administrative team members, Flanders. While I recognize that he was a valued member of the Kargas Inc family, we have made the executive decision not to replace his position. Since Flander's sad departure we have come to realize that our organization is functioning very well without him. We appreciate your suggestions and referrals for his replacements. While a gerbil, bunny, or lizard would bring some members of the team great joy, we have determined that the extra headcount and overhead is not in the company's best interest.

In the coming months we will be recognizing two staff members anniversaries. The end of May will mark Julian's two year anniversary and on June 12 we will celebrate Evan's fifth year with the company. Congratulations to both of you, we are pleased that you have made it this far. While we will mark the occasion with celebratory cake and bonuses (in form of fabulous prizes via Target), we need to be clear that the company will not be promoting any staff members this year.

Kargas Inc is in a hiring and promotions freeze and we expect this to to last indefinitely, or at least until staff members are able to transport, feed, bath and go to the bathroom by themselves. Promotions will be given only to employees who become self-sufficient and contribute to the health of this organization. By that we mean that staff must do more than brush their own teeth and ask nicely for milk. We appreciate your understanding and cooperation in this matter.

Additionally, although there have been several (hundrad) requests to celebrate anniversaries and milestones at Chuck E. Cheese, we are sad to say that Kargas Inc. no longer has a contract with the restaurant and will need to seek out other venues for company parties.

Thank you for your continued support.

Mommy

Kargas Inc. Suggestion Box

Suggestion: 

As a mid-level employee, I feel that we are too top heavy and that we need to hire additional staff to take on some of the entry-level responsibilities (i.e. toy organization.) I would like to suggest that leadership hire another baby brother! -Evan

CEO Response: 

No.

Suggestion: 

The four-legged administrative staff is over-burdened and they would benefit from additional support. We recommend a guinea pig. We promise we would help in mentoring him! Pinky swear! -Zachary & Evan


CEO Response:

No.

Suggestion: 

Senior management seems to lack empathy regarding some personal employee issues. Staff members have experienced  significant loss over the years, with little acknowledgment from leadership. We feel that the company's bereavement policy should include time off when a beloved action figure or stuffed animal has been cruelly dismembered, crushed, or kidnapped. Time off for such tragedy is required for good mental health.  Bereavement leave should include a two week reprieve from all cleaning, vegetable eating and disciplinary action. During bereavement senior leadership should do all that they can to ensure the impacted staff member is comfortable.  This will likely mean purchasing new toys and supplying the employee with plenty of candy.-Zachary

CEO Response:

Who do you think "kidnapped" the one-armed Captain America Doll? 

Suggestion:

Is Kargas Inc. not an equal opportunity employer? I have been a victim of all kinds of discriminatory behavior just because I am a practicing Fruititarian. I believe the following reasonable accommodations should be made for me: 1) All meals should include 4 fruit courses, and dessert. 2) I should never be required to eat protein, vegetables or any dairy products with the exception of chocolate milk.  If you fail to comply with my requests I will file a complaint with the EEOC. -Evan

CEO Response:

Fruititarian is not a protected class or a disability. Eat your broccoli and shut up.
 

Kargas Inc. Reviewed On Yelp

Kargas Inc 

3 reviews

P.Nutt:

* 8/31/12

If I could give this place zero stars I would! My brother and I visited Kargas Inc earlier this week for a play date. What a disappointment! Let's start with the snack selection shall we? We were offered stale raisins, over-ripe bananas and toast. Seriously? They were also out of juice. Who runs out of juice for a play date? Next, on to the atmosphere. The place was a mess, totally unsanitary. Who wants to look at a pile of dirty underwear or step in a puddle of cat vomit? Nasty. The toys were totally lame. Most of the play things were missing parts or broken. I saw one staff member playing with a beheaded Captain America doll, so not cool. Speaking of the staff, the woman who runs the place is a total witch. She has all these crazy rules about not running with scissors or playing with sharp knives, total buzz kill. In short, do not go to Kargas Inc. You have been warned.

Q.T. Pie:

*** 8/20/12

My recent visit to Kargas Inc was just o.k. On the plus side, upon entering the facility I was offered Cheese-Its and chocolate milk. These are not the usual selections at our home, since we make an effort to eat healthy, organic food, but it was a nice treat when visiting Kargas Inc. On the negative side, the place had a funky "aroma." It may have been due to the cup of spoiled milk I found behind the sofa. Don't know if I'll go back. 

Tinkerbell:

* 7/15/12

Bottom line, I had a terrible experience with the staff. One staff member, who had no grasp of the English language and drooled a lot, took my shoes (which I graciously removed upon entering) and PUT THEM IN THE TOILET! Who does that? When I informed management, I got an apology, but I wasn't even compensated for the trauma! The folks over at Kargas Inc. need a serious lesson in customer service.

Marissa Mayer? Kargas Inc. Celebrates Their Own CEO

Kargas Inc Employees Celebrate Greatest CEO Ever. 

There has been a great deal of chatter about Yahoo's new female CEO, Marissa Mayer. With her impressive resume, her gigantic salary (estimates have been made that she is eligible for $59M in compensation over the next several years), her dedication to her career (maternity leave? three weeks should be plenty!). This 37 year old dynamite seems to have it all. While we at Kargas Inc applaud her success, we would prefer to celebrate our very own, CEO, Rachel Kargas, also 37 years old.

While Rachel may not have the same earning potential as Mayer, she is no less dedicated to her role as leader of her up and coming organization. Rachel works tirelessly and in fact, it has been reported that she has only taken 2 vacation days away from the company in the past several years. The organization's energetic leader has been known to work 15-16 hour days on a regular basis, complaining only *minimally*

While it is true that Mayer has a big job, leading an organization worth billions (and billions) of dollars, with thousands of employees, Ms. Kargas has her work cut out for her. Although she has a staff of only four (seven if you include furry contractors), and Kargas Inc. apparently has basically $0 in revenue, it is a dynamic organization. Rachel is responsible for mentoring challenging, but high potential staff. The employees, while potentially brilliant, require constant supervision and have been known to be immensely demanding. As a show of loyalty to her staff Ms. Kargas  has implemented a highly controversial no-termination policy, which states that no employee of Kargas Inc can quit or be fired....ever. Kargas claims that this encourages leadership to invest more fully in developing the employee base.

Finally, while Mayer has set an interesting precedent with her own 3 week/work from home maternity leave plan, Ms. Kargas is vocal in providing work/life balance for the men and women of her organization. She believes that employees should only be required to attend conference call meetings after labor is completed, and that they should only be required to work while the baby is sleeping for the first four weeks of the child's life.*****

So please join Kargas Inc in celebrating their fearless leader and CEO, Rachel Kargas. While Marissa Mayer may make the big bucks.... Ms. Kargas doesn't need to have it all.


**** Please note sarcasm here.

Kargas Inc: Celebrates Employee Appreciation Months!

Dear Staff,

A message from your CEO

To celebrate our continued success at Kargas Inc, we have designated June & July as Employee Appreciation Months! What do we have in store for you? We kicked off the month with Julian's 1 year anniversary party! There was food, drinks, and a bounce house to mark the occasion. We again wish to congratulate Julian on all of his accomplishments over the past year and anticipate more good work from him in the years to come.

Next week we will celebrate our Junior Associate, Evan's 4 year anniversary with Kargas Inc! This event will be offsite at the fabulous Chuck E. Cheese's. Our social committee chair (also the CEO), has even ordered a Spongebob cake. We would like to make a polite reminder that we expect professional, appropriate behavior, even at offsite functions. Please remember to drink responsibly, there will be a two juice box max.

Finally in July we will be taking an incentive trip to an all inclusive resort in exotic Madison Wisconsin.! We have luxury accommodations at Chez Shaw, with its fabulous kiddy pool, swim up/walk across the lawn bar and five star restaurant, Nana's. (We hear they make a killer fluffernuter sandwich.) This trip will include plenty of team building activities and time to network with our Wisconsin counterparts. *****Due to budget constraints and travel logistics, support staff (Bascom, Flanders & Wynkoop) will need to remain onsite. We apologize, and special accommodations will be made for them.

We are very excited to spend these next two months celebrating YOU, our valued employees, because we know how hard you work everyday (soccer, naps, play dates, cleaning up your toys, art projects, whining about dinner, brushing your own teeth, it's all very exhausting.)

Don't forget, that of course this August we will be honoring your very own CEO in a month long celebration of her birthday.

Best,
Mommy

February Newsletter

Kargas Inc Newsletter, February 2012

Employee of the Month:

This month the prestigious award goes to.... Julian Michael Kargas. Over the past eight months we have seen considerable growth, and we are certain that he will continue to be a real asset to our thriving organization! Julian continues to be one of the hardest workers employed at Kargas Inc. He still frequently insists on working in the wee hours of the night, calling meetings at 2 and 4 am. Very impressive! We admire your tenacity, but feel free to tone it down a notch! We interviewed Julian when he was presented with his award. He issued the following statement: "Ma Ma Ma. Ba Ba Ba." Well said Julian, well said. Congratulations!

Upcoming Events:

Mark your calendars! We have two incentive trips planned this year. Our first excursion is to Venice Beach Florida, where we will be staying at a luxury resort! (Casa Kargas, hosted by Mor Mor & Pa Pou). Your all expense vacation will include use of the community pool (please no swim diapers), transportation to and from the beach and all- you- can- eat cheerios and Mor Mor's hot dish. Our next trip will be to Madison Wisconsin in late June. Once again luxury accommodations at the Shaw Resort & Spa. More details to come.....

Brown Bag Lunches:

We have several brown bag lunches planned for the next couple of months. Topics will include:

Are you making your co-workers cry? It could be harassment.

Feeling burned out? How to make the best of the next 12-17 years.

Positive first impressions: Keep your finger out of your nose.

Finally, a message from our CEO:

Dear Beloved Staff,

We are off to a fabulous 2012! I want to assure you that Kargas Inc is thriving. Recently I have received questions from concerned staff members about further expansion. While Kargas Inc will not be adding to our staff.....ever again, this is not an indication of the corporations demise. We are stronger than ever, and have concluded that additional staff members would actually impede our companies performance, probably driving leadership to purchase one-way tickets to Promises. So while there will be no further growth (in numbers), we are looking forward a prosperous year!

Occupy Kargas Inc?

Dear Kargas Inc. Team,

I know that some of you have been inspired by Occupy Oakland & Wallstreet. We understand your enthusiasm for this effort, however we have heard rumors about "Occupy Kargas Inc" and this concerns us.

As CEO of Kargas Inc, I want to make sure that you are fully informed about our financials. For starters, we are not a profitable organization, furthermore unlike most CEO's in our country I do not receive a salary, nor any bonus what-so-ever. That is correct. NO BONUS!

I also want to insure you that the senior leadership of this organization works incredibly hard. Vacation days? Zero. Sick days? Zero. Holidays? None.

And the hours? Just yesterday I was called into meetings at 12, 2 and 4:30 am. I am not afraid of hard work. Around the clock.


So please, consider the facts before you protest.

But if you must protest please follow the following guidelines:

• Inside voices.


• If vandalizing, please use only the Crayola washable markers.


• Remember to practice non-violence. Usually protesters do not hit each other. There is typically no biting at rallies.

Thank you for your cooperation in these matters.

Warm Regards,

Mommy

Performance Improvement Plan: Julian

Happy four week anniversary at Kargas Inc Julian! We do hope that the staff has made you feel at home here and that you are enjoying your time with the organization.

Of course we are still getting to know you, but we do have some initial feedback about your performance.

There are some concerns.

As you may or may not know we have given a great deal of thought to the core Kargas Inc competencies required for success. They are as follows, Interpersonal Communication Skills, Creativity and Problem Solving Capabilities. We have evaluated you in each of these key areas.

Interpersonal Communication Skills:

Several staff members have expressed concern about their ability to communicate with you. In fact we have had multiple complaints from individuals who have stated they frequently have no idea what you are trying to tell them. They have described your communication style as abrasive and incoherent. Julian, this is a serious problem. How can we help you if you cannot tell us what you need? How can you contribute if your language is unintelligible?

Creativity

You appear to be caught in a rut and we do not see you embracing a variety of tasks. We are concerned that you are only comfortable performing a narrow range activities and you don't seem to have any outside interests. We recommend that you try new things, get a hobby. Make a friend.

Problem Solving Capabilities:

Here at Kargas Inc. we require employees to come to us with solutions when they voice their concerns. We are certainly open to your feedback, but you need to take a proactive approach to problem solving. When you voice a concern we would like you to come to us with some constructive suggestions. At this point all we are hearing is a lot of negativity and complaining.

Julian, you are now on a Performance Improvement Plan. You have 18 years to address the above concerns. It's a good thing you're cute.

Promotion

Dear Mommy (CEO),

We are both writing to formally request a promotion. Any day now we will be welcoming a new junior staff member, and with his arrival will come increased responsibility. We know that we will be asked to provide mentorship and training to our new employee. In addition we are certain that we will be expected to act more autonomously. We welcome this challenge. However we feel that we should be rewarded with a promotion and increased decision making authority.

We would like to take more ownership in the budgeting process. We have some ingenious ideas. Kargas Inc. spends top dollar on vegetables and fruits. Have you noticed how inexpensive Cheetos and Ding-Dongs are? Switching our spending habits to include more cost effective products such of these could save us significantly.



Additionally we would like to have more input into the organization's policies. We have a good foundation of guiding principles, however we believe there is some room for adjustment. For example the "no name calling" policy seems outdated. These days it is common place to call one's peer a "butt head" or an "idiot face." We don't find this to be offensive, and believe that Kargas Inc might be out of touch with today's generation.

Finally as we continue to take on higher levels of responsibility we think it is necessary to hire more support staff. We need assistance with entry level work such as cleaning up toys or picking up our dirty clothes. Although we are more than happy to extend our work day to 9 or 10pm, we still need someone else to take over these menial tasks.

We hope that you will take our requests under serious consideration. Your failure to do so might result in a company wide strike.

Yours truly,


Zachary P. Kargas


Evan A. Kargas

Kargas Inc To Cut Health Care Benefits

Breaking News From Kargas Inc Headquarters, Senior Leadership Vows To Slash Health Care Benefits In Attempt To Cut Spending.

Oakland, CA

Today Kargas Inc CEO, Rachel Kargas announced that the company has decided to significantly cut back on health care benefits for support staff. The impacted staff are all long-term, loyal employees, having put in as many as twelve years with the company. Understandably, staff is outraged with the announcement.

Kargas released the following statement; "While we regret this difficult decision, we have come to the conclusion that the overall health of the company is being negatively impacted by rising veterinarian, err...health care expenses, and we have to cut back somewhere. Quite honestly, we have been questioning the contributions of our lower level employees for some time now." Kargas cited several examples of recent medical bills the company has been asked to cover. One staff member informed the company that she would require nearly $1000 for a professional teeth cleaning which would require anaesthesia. Another employee requested a thyroid test with a $500 price tag. This employee who wished to remain anonymous told us that he believed his thyroid test was denied because of his age, and claimed that the company was retaliating because of property damage he caused (unintentionally) to company headquarters.

The effected employees are planning a strike, but this is unlikely to persuade Kargas Inc senior leadership who claim that the workers don't contribute anything more than their good looks and are highly replaceable.

A mediation between staff on management is scheduled for later this week.

My new coworker

I have a new office mate, which is fine by me. I'm a social person, I like a little company. But this guy is a bit quiet for my taste, really he mostly keeps to himself. He is an older gentleman, with red hair. Actually he is surprisingly good looking for his age. Sometimes I have to fight the urge to go over and pat him on the head.





I'm not sure he is all that bright. He doesn't seem to work hard anyway. Often times I catch him nodding off right there at the desk. Odd. I guess he isn't worried about his productivity. I'm not sure why anyone keeps him around, but it doesn't seem as if he is going anywhere, in fact he stays in the office 24/7.





At least he doesn't complain much, or bore me with office gossip. We have all had coworkers who plop themselves down in your office and open up the flood gates, as if you were being paid to be their personal therapist. No, this dude keeps his trap shut.





I think he may be stealing my lunch. Let me rephrase that, I am certain that he is stealing my lunch. Right off my desk. I'll leave my meal sitting just for a moment to run down the hall, and when I return there seems to be a little less, and I swear to God, there he is licking his lips. I kid you not. Does he think I am stupid?





Apparently yes, he does. After all, he has pretty much gotten away with murder......





Stinker.

Staff Meeting

Continuing on the make believe track, stick with me here.

Kargas Inc: MANDATORY All-Staff Meeting.

In attendance:
President: Mommy
CFO: Daddy
Senior Staff Member: Zachary
Intern: Evan
Secretary: Bascom
Facilities Manager: Wiggum
Janitor: Flanders

Meeting notes:

Mommy: We have called together this meeting to address several pressing matters that I can no longer ignore.

• First, the budget. As our CFO recently informed me, it is time for us to tighten our belts. We have been overspending, and honestly, this staff is simply not bringing in any income. Due to some government regulations we are unable to reduce costs with a staff reduction for at least 14 years. With the exception of the support staff, your jobs are secure, but we are all going to have to do our part. Our action items are as follows: 1) We are changing our cereal supplier. We can no longer afford the premium General Mill's "Honey Nut Cheerios", we have found a new vendor who is considerably less expensive. We will now be purchasing "Taste-O's" exclusively, effective immediately. 2) Previous plans for a team building event/incentive trip to Disney World have been scraped. Instead we will have a staff party at "Tot Land". This gathering is for senior staff and interns only. No support staff will be invited. Light refreshments will be served (remember the Taste-Os?). 3) Within one year we hope to seriously reduce our paper costs and will cease all investments in Pampers, Huggies or any related companies.
• Second it has come to my attention that there have been some inter-departmental communication and cooperation problems. This is unacceptable. We are one company, and one team, and we must start acting as such. The primary concern stems from resource sharing. Due to the budget crisis, we simply cannot continue to spend, spend, spend. We will not be purchasing any additional bedroom, playroom or outdoor supplies until further notice. Our CFO and I will be working closely to determine when we are able to resume purchasing additional resources. In the mean time we are demanding your cooperation in sharing our current toys, art supplies and stickers. Disciplinary action will be taken to those who are not utilizing resources appropriately.
• Next, we are having some serious scheduling issues. Primarily, the work day will begin promptly at 7:00am. For those of you who wish to report in earlier, you may do so, but please be aware that Supervisors will not be available, and facilities will be limited. (The kitchen does not open until 7:30am). As required by law, when working a 13 hour day it is mandatory that all employees take at least a sixty minute break. We will incur serious fines if nap/quite times are not adhered to.
• Finally it is time to work smarter, not just harder. The CFO and I have spent hours reviewing our time management and have determined that a significant amount of hours are wasted on laundry and dish washing in this operation . We feel that we can be far more efficient. Going forward, all clothing items, with the exception of undergarments must be worn twice before being laundered. This means that I expect each and everyone of you to monitor your personal use of stain producing products such as ketchup, chocolate frosting, and finger paints. In addition, it is not acceptable to simply take dishes out of drawers for the sake of play. Dishes may only be utilized at designated meal times.

That summarizes my comments. I hope you will think thoughtfully about this discussion, and determine what you can personally do to make Kargas Inc a more profitable organization. Any questions?