Guilt

I like working. I like my job. In fact I really like my job. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this contract will turn into something more permanent. That said, I do have my moments. Mostly they are guilty moments. Moments when I think to myself "Why did I not enjoy my time at home more?" "Why did I give that up so willingly?"

Truth be told, I never quite found my groove as a full time stay at home mom. I always felt a little antsy, planning the next outing, diving into playgroup after playgroup, running to gymboree, music class, Target runs, anything to keep busy, to keep active. I never settled in enough to take a deep breath and just enjoy. And I don't know that I ever could. It isn't in my nature.

I realize that raising one's children is the single most important job that any parent has, and yet, when I was in the trenches full time, I felt somehow useless, bored and under-stimulated. I believe that I am better off a working woman, making money (so I can spend it), and leaving the cleaning to someone else. The undeniable truth is that I am just not good stay at home material, and I believe that I have come to terms with this.

But there are moments when I see a woman pushing a stroller down the street, or sitting at Starbucks with her toddler, that I feel a pang. A fleeting thought, that could be me, that was me. And I miss the whole thing. I mean look at these guys, why would I want to leave them every day?

I miss the trips to the park, being around at preschool enough to know all of the songs and all of the kids, nap time at 2. It wasn't all bad. Not at all.

But it just isn't me.

Adaptation of a Children's Story

Mo Willems is my favorite children's author. His books are witty and entertaining, even for grown-ups. We gave Evan one of his books for his birthday: "The Pigeon Wants a Puppy!". It inspired this post. First Mo's original story:

Oh, hello.

How are you?

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

By the way, do you know what I want?

What I have wanted forever...?

At least since last Tuesday...?

A puppy! Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!

Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of it!

I promise I'll water it once a month.

What?!

Everybody knows that puppies need plenty of sunshine and water!

Oh...I get it.

You don't want me to be happy, do you?

You don't want me to take a piggyback ride on my puppy!

Or play tennis with it!

You just don't understand.

I'm a puppy-lovin' pigeon!

Awww....

puppies.

I want a puppy! Right here! Right now!

Woof!

What's that?

Woof! Woof!

Is it possible?

Have my dreams come true?!

woof?

AWWWWWHHHHH!

It's HUGE!

The teeth! The hair! That wet nose! The slobber! The claws!

I mentioned the teeth right?

Really, I had no idea!

I've changed my mind.

I want a walrus!

My Adaptation:

The 30-Something Female Wants a Baby!

Oh, hello.

How are you?

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

By the way, do you know what I want?

What I have wanted ever since I was a little girl playing with dolls?

A BABY!

Baby! Baby! Baby!

Oh don't worry, I think I am really ready.

I promise to buy lots of cute outfits and decorate the nursery.

What?

Everybody knows that babies need plenty of photo ops and a whimsical nursery.

Oh... I get it.

You don't want me to be happy do you honey?

You don't want me to post adorable pictures on my Facebook page

Or take the baby to the circus!

You just don't understand.

My biological clock is ticking!

Awww...

Babies!

I want a baby! Let's go! Right now!

9 months later....

"whaa!"

What's that?

Is that my baby? My dreams have come true!

WHAAAAAAAAA!

It's Crying!

The diapers!

The snot!

The sleepless nights!

The slobber!

The mess!

I mentioned the diapers right?

Really, I had no idea!

I've changed my mind.

I want a house plant instead.

Take it from me

This past weekend had it's highs and it had it's lows. I am feeling generous today, so I thought perhaps my bay area readers would benefit from the knowledge I gained through this past weekend's experiences.


What Not To Do:


Fisherman's Wharf on Saturday with Kids.


BAD. IDEA. I'll repeat that for anyone who missed it. BAD. IDEA. Sadly, I am afraid that Fisherman's Wharf may not be a desirable destination for anyone at anytime, but when you combine the crowds of a Saturday afternoon, a two year old who refuses the stroller, and a 4.5 year old who thinks that walking is boring, you have a recipe for disaster. I remember visiting the wharf as a tourist years ago, and I never hated it. In fact, I think I enjoyed the festive atmosphere. I remember street vendors and performers, fun restaurants, gooey ice cream sundaes at Ghiradelli Square, the smell of the ocean.... I wonder if these colorful memories are a clear picture of what actually was, and has since decayed, or if as a teenager I just didn't see the grit and the cliches of a tourist trap. Well in any case it is all crystal clear now. The bay area attraction is a crowded, chaotic collection of cheap t-shirt shops, overpriced junk food, and aggressive, often very drunk pan-handlers. As we walked down the street we had to cling to our little boys so that they would not be swept away in the throngs of under dressed out-of-state visitors. (Yes, you need a jacket in July). There is little to do actually, unless you want to shell out big bucks to visit the aquarium, or take a trip to Alcatraz. The Kargas family was on the cheap, so we decided against these activities. I thought we might grab a bite to eat, but all of the restaurants were packed, over-priced and required a wait. After about an hour we fled back to the car to head the hell out of dodge. Because we could not find a restroom appropriate for a diaper change I had to change my kiddo on the front seat of the car. I will spare you the details. Needless to day, not a fun morning.



But things got brighter. Quite by accident we ended up at Fenton's for lunch. This is on my "Do Again" list.




Fentons- We will be back.









Fenton's reminds me of a Madison restaurant I loved as a kid, Ella's Deli. I have very fond memories of this eatery from my childhood. Ella's is colorful, it is decorated with old fashioned toys, and an actual carousel sits right outside the restaurant (eat your veggies munchkins, and you can go for a ride!). There are kosher hot dogs and greasy french fries, bagels & lox (a personal favorite), pastrami on rye, and crunchy dill pickles. But of course the very best part is the old fashioned ice cream parlor style desserts. Big-over sized sundaes served in tulip glasses. Milk shakes with two straws and a metal mixing cup for what couldn't fit in the glass. Everything topped with whipped cream and a cherry of course.




Fentons does not have the carousel, or the toys, but it captures the spirit of Ella's. It has that care-free vibe that makes one throw caution to the wind "ah what the hell! I'll have a triple fudge brownie sundae with extra hot fudge!" The husband ordered a chili dog and fries, Zack a burger and Evan, Mac & Cheese. I did go with the safe, calorie conscious option of a grilled chicken salad, however the meal was followed up by an enormous ice cream concoction (which included carmel corn) that we shared with four spoons. Kids happy. Mommy happy. Daddy on the way to a low cholesterol diet.





So there you have it friends in the bay, spare yourself and stay far, far away from Fisherman's Wharf, and head straight to Fenton's instead.





You're welcome.

Summer Staff Meeting

Staff Meeting

Attendants:

CEO: Rachel (Mommy)

CFO: David (Daddy)

Associate: Zachary

Jr. Associate: Evan

Support Staff: Flanders

Security Officer: Bascom

Intern: Wynkoop

Meeting Minutes:

CEO: As you all know we have had some significant changes since our last staff meeting. I thought it would be good to get the team together and celebrate our successes and discuss some of the challenges that lie ahead.

First, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the loss of our colleague Wiggum. Wiggum was a dedicated member of Kargas Inc for 13 years. His passing is a loss that we will feel in the years to come. To commemorate his loss, we are naming the executive office the "Wiggum Room" and a memorial will be erected in his honor. (Think framed 8x10 photograph).

On a happier note we have had some additional staff changes. As you have probably noted, Evan was promoted from Intern to Junior Associate. The event as you will recall was marked on June 12 with a giant staff, family & friends celebration. Evan has demonstrated enormous progress in the past several months, although to be sure he still has areas that would benefit from continued development. (Can someone please teach this kid that not every color is red?) Ah... did I say that out loud? Ahem, well let us all once again congratulate Evan on his promotion.

Additionally we have welcomed a new Intern, Wynkoop (pictured above). Wynkoop was selected from a pool of ten promising candidates. He went through a grueling interview process and ultimately was selected because he was the cutest. I hope you will all join me in making Wynkoop feel at home here at Kargas Inc.

I am happy to announce that we have secured new investors in the past several months, which is why I have been absent quiet often during the work week. I am required to meet with them regularly and provide my consulting services. Everyone appears to be adjusting well to my assistant and right hand woman (our nanny) who has taken over some of my day to day duties.

Things have been running fairly smoothly, but as an organization I do have some concerns. First and foremost I continue to be disturbed by the amount of foul potty language that is heard in these offices. This is not professional behavior, and I am hereby demanding that it is stopped. Finally we have made little progress in reducing our spending with our vendor Huggies. I need the staff to put forth significant effort in eliminating our reliance on such products.

Finally I would like to open up the discussion for individual updates, questions or comments.

Evan: I saw fiyah station!

CEO: Huh?

Evan: I saw fiyah station!! I spida man.

CEO: Right. Anyone else?

CFO: We need to find places to cut spending.

CEO: I talked about that already. It's all about the diapers.

CFO: There must be other ways.

CEO: Moving on, are there any other comments?

Zachary: Pee-pee-potty-butt!

CEO: Meeting adjourned.....

Tune in for good times

Somehow through some sort of a work related connection my husband received a free Sirius XM and a year's subscription. Terrific! All the music we could enjoy, so many channels to pick from! The Broadway Show Tunes channel (a personal favorite, and I am not kidding), Bluegrass, 80's Hits, Folk, Jazz, the possibilities endless.

And then Zachary caught wind of the damn thing and it is all been down hill. To him it is a phenomenal toy. With the push of one little button the channel changes. So it sounds a little like this at my house:

"Did you ever know that your my hero?" Beep Beep Beep

"Winter spring summer or fall.... all you got to do is call" Beep Beep Beep

"Oh Jesus loves you! Oh praise Him now!" Beep Beep Beep

"Shot through the heart and you're to blame! You give love a bad name!" Beep Beep Beep

" When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky, you can bet that he's doin' it for some doll!" Beep Beep Beep

"I just called to say I love you, I just called to say how much I ca.." Beep Beep Beep

Some super loud heavy metal music with lyrics I cannot quite make out. Beep Beep Beep

"Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright" Beep Beep Beep

"Praise Him! Put your hands in the air and praise Him! Ohhhh" Beep Beep Beep

" Cuz I'm a joker, and I'm a smoker and I'm a midnight toker"Beep Beep Beep

"And we will be back with more talk on Sirius XM" Beep Beep Beep

More super loud heavy metal music with lyrics I cannot quite make out. Beep Beep Beep

"Billie Jean is not my lover, she's just a girl that claims that I am the.." Beep Beep Beep

"Jesus!" Beep Beep Beep"

"Cuz every little thing is gonna be alrigh..."Beep Beep Beep.

Heavy Metal Beep Beep Beep

"Consider yourself at home! Consider yourself part of the family!" Beep Beep Beep

"Praise Him! Glory!"Beep Beep Beep

"So don't worry about a thi..." Beep Beep Beep

Heavy Metal Beep Beep Beep.

STOP IT ZACHARY!!!!!! Right. Now!

Good times.

You get the idea....

Growing up

The subject line: "Parent's Day at the JCC!" How lovely I think, opening up the email. It's on a Monday. No problem, I remind myself, that is one of the reasons why my new job works so well for us, it is flexible, I can just switch my schedule around. "We will be roasting marshmallows" the email went on. Interesting choice. I pictured myself with Zachary in my lap sharing a snuggle and a gooey treat. A scrapbook worthy moment.

The day arrives. We walk into Zack's classroom, my expectations for a mommy & me day high. Here I am son, you may now demonstrate your affection and excitement to have mama in class with you....

Hey kiddo, where are you going? You hang out with Tony everyday. This is my time. Buddy... come on over here, we can do play dough together....buddy?

I am left clutching a paper cup of really bad coffee. I stand there looking on as other children seem thrilled to have mommy or daddy at school with them. They sit on their parent's lap and read a book, or present them with a handmade card created for the occasion. There was no card for me. Zachary ignores me. This is what I switched my schedule around for? The marshmallow "roasting" (really marshmallows over a fake fire, what did I expect?) was a bust too. I sat behind my son who huddled next to the cellophane flames, his back to me. Boo.

I reminded myself that this is not a personal slight. I should be happy that Zachary has friends and that he has found his independence. Right? Right?

Except I have this memory, this vivid memory of a toddler clamoring with joy when I arrived through the doors of the daycare center to pick him up at the end of the day. This toddler would drop whatever he was doing, and run to me, arms outstretched "mommy! mommy! mommy!" he would holler until I clasped him in a hug. There was no better feeling in the world. I knew that my superstar status would not last forever, and that Zack would grow up, forming friendships that would trump me from time to time, I just didn't expect to happen this soon. He isn't even five yet. I can only imagine what life is going to be like when he reaches his teen years, will I be totally invisible?

Ahh well, I think, shaking off the disappointment as I leave Zachary to enjoy the rest of his morning in peace, at least I came, at least I was there, even if he didn't act like he wanted me to be. He would have noticed if I hadn't showed up.

So I'll keep showing up.

Put a stamp on it

I must tread lightly when writing this. I am embarking on a topic that might be sensitive, and could be taken as a personal criticism by many of my readers. Dear friends, please know that I am not singling any one person out, rather I am commenting on what I view as a downfall of our web 2.0 culture.

I am talking about mail, or more precisely, the lack there of. With the popularity and ease of email, Twitter and Facebook, the postal service is about to shut their doors. Nobody seems to have use for a handwritten letter these days. I am as guilty as the next person. Life is busy. I rarely have a book of stamps on hand, and God only knows where my address book is. So when it comes time for a birthday a simple "Happy BDay! Have a great day!" on my friend's Facebook wall is the usual protocol. Lame.

When I was younger each year I looked forward to a mailbox full of colorful envelopes on the anniversary of my birth. It was such a joy to open each card, and then display them on my dresser for the coming month. When I was in college, I may have had an email address, but I did not use it. Shocking I know, but this was 1992-1996. We sent hand written letters to one another. I have a box full of them. I recently went through this ancient mail opening yellowed letters of friends I have long since lost touch with. Their letters brought me back to another time. The personal style of handwriting, the choice of stationary, the occasional sticker. Colorful. Personal. Memorable.

Saturday we received two cards in our mailbox. Two cards from the vet who cared for Wiggum as he died in their office. The only two cards I received in response to our family's loss. Oh I got tons of comments on my facebook. I know hearts were in the right place, however those two cards are on my mantel, a tangible memory of my cat. A physical display of someone who cared enough to send a card. I know it is not a personal slight. I realize that people now rely on their keyboard and mouse to communicate with loved ones and friends. But I have to say, I truly appreciated the personal gesture and I am vowing to make more of an effort. An effort to send birthday cards, and an occasional letter, through the US Postal Service. I therefor need to update my address book. So if you are so inclined, please email me your address to rkargas@hotmail.com.

XXOO,

Rachel